Impossible...!?

Lately I've been trying my best to settle, settle in me, settle in singledom, settle with Loneliness (dispite not (ever) being alone) ...trying to ground myself in me. Trying to listen inwards for answers for guidance, for direction... Doing my best to breathe.

All it has given me is the realisation that I. Don't. Want To. Loneliness sucks when it hasn't been chosen, loneliness and I will not be in good terms until that happen, until I choose it - and I don't or won't! Not now.

Also ...I've done a mindless, senseless, stupid, naïve and ridiculous thing. I've gotten myself tangled up in something so completely impossible. It kind of freaks me out ...about as much as I love it. I love how it fills me and lightens up my day.

But.
It.
Is.
Impossible.

Not even sure it's for real...

So what do I do?? Do I revel in the glory of it 'til I've ended up breaking my own heart? Or do I do the "sensible" thing and end "it" ...whatever this thing is...??
...not sure I can. I want it, this, him too much.

I do.

 



Not the Year of Blogging...!

No, it sure isn't...! My blogging has all together gone down the drain...! I can't even blaim it on me spending too much time on my other blogs 'cause I don't. :\

I have some time on my hands so I thought I'd pop in and write a few lines that might turn into more...

But! What to write about? My life feels so empty of Depth at the moment that I feel embarrassed to even have a blog which purpose is to share that which touches the core of me. Am I more than a shallow shell of a person...? :\ Bleh! This self-pity isn't a very interesting blog post - maybe that's what has kept  me away...? The fact that the last few months I've felt mostly sorry for myself...??

Well, what's been going on then ...superficially speaking of course...?
I was in love, he was too. There was possibilities for a future there - though in hindsight it would've been a repetition of my past. He ended it claiming distance was too big of an issue... He contacted me again, saying he missed me (and the kids) but not managing to man up and say he'd made a mistake. I want a Man not an insecure Boy who manages to guilt-trip me into feeling like I was the one who ended it...

I thought (hoped?) that we might be able to be friends eventually but now I don't think that's in our future. He's too broken and I'm too ...good? I'm too bad at not realising when I should back off rather than try and "fix" someone and his "issues".

I need a Man without issues...!? ^^  Not sure that there are any of them about. :\ ...so I'll settle for "less issues"? Should I "settle"?? Perhaps I'm better off on my own...?

All these things buzz around in my head and at points driving me insane but I'm glad I chose Breathe to my my One Word... Sometimes that feels like the only thing I have to deal with all of the above ...to just breathe...

Love&Light,

My One Word 2013

I've been struggling with my One Word this year. Last year it came so perfectly and I was hoping it'd be the same this time around but no... It kept itself hidden and recent events sort of brought it out into the light.

So... yeah... Last years Heart rather unexpectedly, yet quite obviously, brought Love and then it left me again on Sunday and all, ALL, I've been able to think about is breathing. My breath seems to have left together with Love and my current way of breathing is through deep deeeeep sighs.

My one word 2013 is

 Breathe

1) ...to repeatedly draw air into, and expel it from, the lungs in order to extract oxygen from it and excrete waste products.

2) ...to rest; to stop and catch one's breath.

3)  ...to be relaxed or calm. ...the wind breathes through the trees...

4) ...to live. I will not allow it, as long as I still breathe.

5) ...to whisper quietly.

I need to do all of the above.
I need to breathe, for me and for my kids. Breathing will (hopefully) bring less stress, less angst, less anger, more air, more patience, more calm, more peace.

Breathe, just breathe... and everything will be alright again.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.
- Sylvia Plath

Heart & Faith

Can I choose who gets my heart? Or am I just kidding myself when I keep trying to convince myself that I decide...? I think I might be...

My heart has chosen and all I can do (?) is to try to have faith. Faith in the choice it has made, Faith in its new caretaker and Faith in its capacity to mend if (when?) broken.

It's scary...having faith that is... I was pretty sure I'd "lost" it (the capability of having enough faith in someone to let them tend to my heart) but over and over again I'm prompted into daring to believe, into having faith so...I'll do my best.

I'll try to have heart. :)

love,

Heart

My one word for 2012 - Heart is already, only halfway through the year, showing me how right it was to choose me. :)

2012 has truly been my year! A year to settle in Me and my Freedom and I'm SO excited to see where the rest of the year takes me! :) I've been braver, bolder, kinder and more loving (to myself) than I probably have ever been...! I've been letting my heart lead the way (more) and letting myself feel more and I feel so much more alive than I have in aaages. :) :) :) I'm not scared.

I'm in a good place.

Love&Light,
 

Blog recap 2011

A look back on the blog year of 2011, here are the first blog posts of each month... To take you, and me, back through the year. :)

Psst..! the links open in a new window

January: A hesitant follower of the One Word. ;)

February: I heard and was compelled to share Brene Browns TEDtalk on vulnerability.

March: Finding inspirational words from the teacher of Alexander the Great.

April: Sharing some thoughts about compassion on the eve of Golden Rule Day.

May: Enjoyed being back at work, dispite the commute. :)

June: A lot of sharing goes on here on this blog, here's another one! :) An article well worth reading twice! :) God is not a Christian.

July: ...began with well-needed girliness² !

August: *sigh* Yeah... some days were frustration overload.

September: :) Finally time to go to my first Meeting!

October: Being a bit 'zen'... :)

November: ...began with some more sharing, this time a quote that really struck home...

December: I found myself a new 'man'! ♥  :D

:) This was fun! :D ...for me at least. ;) But I do hope you enjoyed it too.

Do you have any posts of mine that you in particular remember from last year...?? I'd love to hear what and why it stayed with you! :)

Love&Light,

My One Word 2012

OK, so I've picked my One Word for 2012. :) ...or, to be perfectly honest, It picked Me! ;) I was pretty sure I was going to use Faith this year. Because that's what I hope to have, to hold on to, through the tough times I know I've got ahead of me. But... At Meeting yesterday I was struck by the word Heart - what I really need for 2012 is to have Heart. :) So, that's my word! :)

♥


Wherever you go, go with all your heart.
- Confucius

Heart
n.

1. Anatomy
a. The chambered muscular organ in vertebrates that pumps blood received from the veins into the arteries, thereby maintaining the flow of blood through the entire circulatory system.
b. A similarly functioning structure in invertebrates.

2. The area that is the approximate location of the heart in the body; the breast.

3.
a. The vital center and source of one's being, emotions, and sensibilities.b. The repository of one's deepest and sincerest feelings and beliefs: an appeal from the heart; a subject dear to her heart.
c. The seat of the intellect or imagination: the worst atrocities the human heart could devise.
4.
a. Emotional constitution, basic disposition, or character: a man after my own heart.
b. One's prevailing mood or current inclination: We were light of heart.

5.
a. Capacity for sympathy or generosity; compassion: a leader who seems to have no heart.
b. Love; affection: The child won my heart.

6.
a. Courage; resolution; fortitude: The soldiers lost heart and retreated.
b. The firmness of will or the callousness required to carry out an unpleasant task or responsibility: hadn't the heart to send them away without food.

7. A person esteemed or admired as lovable, loyal, or courageous: a dear heart.

8.  a. The central or innermost physical part of a place or region: the heart of the financial district.
b. The core of a plant, fruit, or vegetable: hearts of palm.

9. The most important or essential part: get to the heart of the matter.

10. A conventional two-lobed representation of the heart, usually colored red or pink.


Idioms:
at heart
In one's deepest feelings; fundamentally.

by heart
Learned by rote; memorized word for word.

do (one's) heart good
To lift one's spirits; make one happy. from the bottom/depths of (one's) heart
With the deepest appreciation; most sincerely.

have (one's) heart in (one's) mouth
To be extremely frightened or anxious.

have (one's) heart in the right place
To be well-intentioned. heart and soul
Completely; entirely. in (one's) heart of hearts
In the seat of one's truest feelings.

lose (one's) heart to
To fall in love with.

near/close to (one's) heart
Loved by or important to one.

steal (someone's) heart
To win one's affection or love.

take to heart
To take seriously and be affected or troubled by: Don't take my criticism to heart.
to (one's) heart's content
To one's entire satisfaction, without limitation. wear (one's) heart on (one's) sleeve
To show one's feelings clearly and openly by one's behavior.

with all (one's) heart
1. With great willingness or pleasure.
2. With the deepest feeling or devotion

♥

First week @ work.

"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."

- Khalil Gibran

I love (and as usual when it comes to Gibran I agree with) those words, and sure...I might not feel that strongly about my job but, I do enjoy it. :) It's been a good first week back and I feel good, better than I thought I would, about going back. It has given me the rest and break from a great deal of the inner stress I was feeling before I made the decision to go back to work.

The 1½ hour commute (on public transport, i.e. the bus) to and from work has also given me space to just be, breathe and read and I just finished reading Women, Food and God, which I though was excellent. I'm considering forcing Husband to read it too - even if he's neither a woman or has issues with food (although I do think Geneen might say he does)... He does obsess about things and I think if he (or anyone else with obsessions or obsessive traits) can translate what is written about food and aimed at women to his specific 'issue' he too could get a great deal from this book.

I will return with a more complete review at a later point, but you already have a sense of where I'll be going with it. ;) :)

I have also had some time to think about my Word and I might (?) have reached somewhat of an epiphany... (shouldn't one be sure if one has!?) but...I'm mulling over it a bit before I share... ;)

So...I've got some things to share with y'all, we'll see when I have the time! :)

Love&Light,

~ Light ~

I'm not too sure how I will translate my one word into action, into being and into reality so I thought I'd start by finding some quotes :) about and around Light...
I found a great deal of inspiration and reasurance in my little evening quest. Sure, it's easy to find the answers one is looking for but these following words confirmed my choice. :)

I think Woodrow Wilsons words settled me the most and I loved the Maori proverb.

"Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue."
- Buddha

"I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong."
- Abraham Lincoln


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness,
that most frightens us."
- Marianne Williamson

"You cannot, in human experience, rush into the light. You have to go through the twilight into the broadening day before the noon comes and the full sun is upon the landscape."
- Woodrow Wilson

"Light gives of itself freely, filling all available space. It does not seek anything in return; it asks not whether you are friend or foe. It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished."
- Michael Strassfeld


"Turn your face to the sun
and the shadows fall behind you."
- Maori Proverb

My One Word for 2011

As you know I was initially a bit little apprehensive about this. Mainly because I know 2011 is going to be a year of change in my life and I didn't want to 'jinx it' the "wrong" way... Change is good, necessary even, it's just that I'd like to, if I can, skip any detours that a 'wrong' word would lead me on. ;)

Not sure if I should mention the words that came to me that I didn't choose...? Well, there was a few before the 'right one' hit me. :) The first words were of the type that I was concerned about...from an emotional origin rather than one of progress and growth... (wondering if I'm making too big of a deal about this!)

The word I chose I've been 'tasting' for the better part of the week, thinking about what it means to me and what I'd like for it to bring. Its versatility really appealed to me. Its content is both emotional, physical and spiritual.
This is my word for 2011:


Light - Illuminated (aglow, bright, clear, radiant)
- Not heavy (agile, graceful, slender)
- Content (mild. moderate, modest)
- Simple, easy (effortless, smooth)
- Funny, cheery (lighthearted)
- Luminescence from sun or other source (glimmer, glow, shine)
(read more on http://www.yourdictionary.com/light )
In bold you have what the word Light means to me, what I want to focus on and what I hope it'll to bring in the coming year.

Here's for a Light(er) 2011!

Can't wait to read Cora's word...! :) My Friday arrives a bit sooner than hers and I wanted to post this before the weekend "madness" began. :)

One Word for 2011?

There's a few, perhaps a lot, of blogs (see Cora, DMG, AliE etc.) writing about using a word to shape, lead and perhaps guide you through the year.

I first read about this over at Cora's blog and my initial reaction was...divided. :) I thought it sounded like a fun, interesting and different idea instead of the usual new years resolutions (that I've never really understood or ever managed to keep! ;)). On the other hand I was a bit hesitant of/if I dared to join in too, 'cause I feel that words are so powerful. If one chooses the 'wrong' word and charges it with all ones possibilities of the coming year it might not be such a fun, interesting and positive but rather negative and...wrong... :/ or...? In just reading through Cora's post I had a handful ok-words-that-could-turn-'bad'...but...I might just be taking it too seriously too...? :)

And! :) Being a lover of words I am intrigued by this idea and also aware that choosing the word must be allowed to take some time. It is the intention you have with the word you choose that determines the outcome...positively or negatively charged... Yes? :)
Cora will give herself, and us who'll join her, a week to think about it. I'll do the same, let the idea settle and then decide if I'll join in and with what word.