Sad attempt of calming nerves...

Sooo... ScabbyHouse is being viewed today and I've cleaned it top to bottom and I can't find anything else to clean so. now. I. wait.
Realtor will be here about half an hour before viewing starts...so I've got about another hour to just wait and brace myself from climbing up on the roof to scrub that clean too.

PleasePleasePlease mote it all go well...!

For those of you who don't follow (or can be bothered google translating ;)) the "home blog" I'll share a photo of my next home - BlueHouse. :) Yesterday I finally had the signed rental-agreement in my hand so now it's official. :)

A two bedroom rental on the first floor. Bonus is that it's on the gable of the building so there's lots of windows - Light. :) We get keys to BlueHouse May 2nd. 

:) :) :)

Now. Keep fingers, toes, legs, arms crossed that sale of ScabbyHouse goes smoooothly! Can't wait for the future to begin... :)

Decided?!

Yeeeaaah...! :D I think I might have made a decision on what my new surname will be. :) My bestest big sis actually came up with it years ago when she was considering changing hers, when she and BIL got married. They never got round to it (it takes time to decide!) and whenever I mentioned my thoughts about changing my name she 'suggested' this one and after thinking it through and considering it against my other 'options' I cheekily nicked it! ;)

I'm pretty sure she's fine with it... :) I've promised to give her my consent if she wants to do the change too in the future. ;) Yeah, that's right, she'll have to ask my permission :) since it's a completely new surname which I'll have to register it with the Patent Office to get it approved. :) :) :) That's how it works over here! ;)

There's one person alive with a similar surname who I might need to ask permission of buuut, my version of this name might also be different 'enough' to be approved straight off. *fingers crossed!*

♥

Snow!

Winter's finally, finally here! Just like I predicted...!?! :O I did...! ;)

A few weeks ago we, at work, were talking about the dismal winter we've had so far and whether we'd get any snow this winter or if we'd just skip right into spring. The weather has been very mild, the tiniest show of snow but mostly wet, damp and mild temperatures...

The last two winters here have been looong, hard and cold! ...so...the mildness of this winter has been a both a relief and a disappointment. White, frosty, winters are lovely! Mild, wet, grey winters are just...bleak.

Talking about the weather is a favourite lunch time topic at work ;p and I seemed like the only one sure that we'd get snow! ...for sure! :)

I'm not particularly good at predicting the weather (or anything else btw!) but I do get the odd 'hunch' now and again and I've been sure of the mildness of this winter since September, just like I was sure that we'd get snow before the end of the month, at Jan. 21st. Yup! I even came up with the date...spookily enough The Right date cause today. we. got. snow. l o t s. of. it!?! ;p

So, we've been busy building snowmen and shoveling snow. :) :) :) Great fun! ...oooh! And I did have a hunch about something snow/winter related on Jan. 26th too (I was going between those dates for the arrival of Snow) sooo we'll see what happens then! ;p

Weather-woman? ;)

"In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy."

- William Blake

...thank you...

Most of my posts are posted as soon as they are written but lately I've started writing on posts and saving them... 'til they feel 'right' to post... This is one of the ones I've been holding on to for a little while.



~ * ~ * ~ * ~ These words are for you - even if you might never actually read it... At the same time I realise that they are just as much, perhaps more, for me... Things are inevitably coming to an end for us and I need to hold on to gratitude rather than the bitterness that is lurking just round the corner...

I want and need to thank you. The good, the bad and the sad that we've been through together has given me gifts greater than I could have ever imagined. Our journey has been full of blessing, big and small, some obvious and others are still yet to be revealed. The most obvious Gifts we've been given are two healthy, bright, beautiful little people with all their endless possibilities for the future.
Thank you for A and E, for making me a Mother.

Our joint struggles has made things clear to me, what I believe to be Truly Important. With, what I hope to be, a looong Journey ahead of me I now know, or at least have a pretty good idea, of who I am and what I want and need of/in Life.
Thank you for giving me Clarity.

Your own personal struggles and all that I've seen, and still see, that you need - for you, have helped me see what I need for me.
Thank you for helping me Grow.

You say there must have been a Reason for us meeting when, and the way, we did. We were Supposed to Meet and I agree. We just disagree on the reason why... We both still have a long Journey ahead and I believe that Reasons may still reveal themselves to us. Just because we came together in magical circumstances doesn't mean that the magic remains forever... Some people come together for an important moment in time, for that moment, not to stay together forever...
There has been a lot of outward changes in our lives since the day we met, just short of 11 years ago... The biggest change, for me, hasn't the obvious things, it has been what has been going on inside me - all of the lesson's I've learnt, the growing I've done as a wife, mother and human being... All these things have given me Faith, faith that I've in some ways always had but not dared (?) to believe in, never really surrendered to... I now do believe and I am surrendering...
Thank you for giving me the tools to Believe.

With the rain pouring down outside and thunder rolling over us I finish this post with a sense of peace. Our journey together isn't all over, even if our marriage might be. As parents we will need to join forces and make decisions and be there for each other,
we are still a Family.
with love and gratitude,

Quaker...?

I've never been a person of One Faith. I am a member of the Lutheran Church of Sweden, I'm christened, confirmed and married in the secular way most Swedes are. Because it's what you do kinda thing. I've never had any problems or issues about being a somewhat fake Christian... I don't necessarily disagree with the Christian faith, I just like too much of other faiths to feel that it's right for me to claim to be a Christian. I've never truly felt a part of any religion, because my own personal mismatch faith. I belong nowhere and everywhere...

Husband was raised with Methodist parents and he was quite involved in the churchy stuff growing up but I guess he 'grew out of it' when he had some independence after leaving his mothers home. He went down the Pagan path, where I think he still sort of is...he's just got too much other issues to deal with right now and has therefor, unfortunately in my opinion, let his spirituality 'rest'...

We did however agree when we became parents to let our children freely choose which Path to follow and we decided not to do the 'because it's what you do'-christening that is so often done. We celebrated their arrival with a party but left them free to choose when and into what, if any, faith they're to be baptized into. :)

I'm straying away from my 'post point'...! ;) Back to me and my beliefs... I've always believed in kindness/compassion (lets be friend, lets not fight, kindness begets kindness, how does 'the other' feel/perceive this situation) and equality/solidarity (people are people are people, I'm no better than anyone else and neither are they, we're the same and if we all could see that we'd all be better off.)

My 'religion' has seemed more like some kind of political statement than a faith but...to me it's been both. Because, I feel that there is something more, guiding me/us... You know that gut feeling, our conscience...(?) That feeling of right and wrong that we're all born with which certainly can be destroyed by our upbringing and/or other horrible circumstances, but even a small child knows when s/he's done 'wrong'...or is being done wrong by. We all have a bit of the Divine in us and it can't be lost...no matter how lost you feel.

Recently, thanks to Cora, and her (re)searching I was 'introduced' to the Religious Society of Friends also known as Quakers. I knew nothing about them before...I would have just put them together with 'other' Plain Faith Christians of the New World. :) ;) :) But, after just a reasonably quick research of my own, online and 'live' at the library, I was/am somewhat perplexed...these folks made sense to me. Could it be that there are others who, like me, belong nowhere and everywhere? :)

The more I've read and researched the more convinced I've become... The testimonies, the fact that they include rather than exclude, the inner Light ('my' gut feeling/conscience-thingy ;) which I too have referred to as light) as etc and so on. (yeees, I know is not as simple or clean cut as I perhaps make it sound but...!) :) Its just, almost eerily, right. They're not a big group here in lil' ol' Sweden (compared to over the pond at Cora's ;)) and I don't know whether to go or brace myself a little... I'm trying to follow my gut but it's hard when I feel excited and apprehensive at the same time. :)

In Sweden there's a 'saying' which I tend to follow, it's "Skynda långsamt" which means hurry slowly :) but the question remains... How slowly should I hurry or have I hurried slowly enough...?

Love&Light,

For Little E. ♥

My baby turns 4 today...where did time go? :)
This post is for her. ♥

"All the dreams I prayed you'd be,

Are all the things you are.

You were once my little girl,

And now my shining star."

- unknown

"Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."

- Clementine Paddleford

"A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer."

- unknown

"When I see the world through your young eyes,

everything becomes new again.

The moon is brighter, the sun warmer,

and the stars even more mysterious.

Yet nothing is as glorious as you."

- Maya Angelou (?)

The Eve of Golden Rule Day.

"Trying to live according to the Golden Rule means trying to empathise with other people, including those who may be very different from us. Empathy is at the root of kindness, compassion, understanding and respect – qualities that we all appreciate being shown, whoever we are, whatever we think and wherever we come from. And although it isn’t possible to know what it really feels like to be a different person or live in different circumstances and have different life experiences, it isn’t difficult for most of us to imagine what would cause us suffering and to try to avoid causing suffering to others." (from thinkhumanism.com)

"..do as you would be done by. And do unto all men as you would have them do unto you..."

- The Quaker Peace Testimony

"What thou avoidest suffering thyself seek not to impose on others." 

- Epictetus

Tomorrow is Golden Rule Day. A day to be mindful of what it means to be compassionate. Perhaps the Day to begin living a more compassionate life, both towards yourself and others?

I truly believe that kindness, compassion, consideration for 'the other' and realisation that I am the other is crucial for a better tomorrow, for all of us.

1 made, a million (or so) to go!

Yep. I've made one this past week, I've made a decision. It's one that's been brewing for a while now and that I've finally realised as ready-brewing and actually needing to be made...so...I made it! I decided, and realised that I neeeeed to make more 'cause it feels kinda good to have made one. :) It sort of forces me to take that next step and plan ahead on the step taken, rather than be stuck and pondering or what would/will/might happen if I take the step or not. My foot was tired and needed putting down and now the other foot can be tortured for a wee while 'til I've made yet another decision... I think that perhaps making one decision will in turn make making another one less difficult and perhaps it is making decisions is what will get the snowball rolling...? ...or (which I much more prefer than the winter symbolism) the Light shining...??

What decision did I make then you might wonder...? Well...it was probably one of the hardest ones I think I've ever had to make, one I never thought I'd make.

I decided that with all things going on right now studying at university is just too damn hard. It broke my heart, more than a little bit, to realise this but I also realised that it's OK and it wouldn't be breaking my heart if I was on the wrong path. I know now, for sure that I want to teach and I'm going to teach...but... it'll have to wait for a little bit.

I need a break.

I need to find my footing again and find a way for studying to give me energy the way it has been previously. Recently I've just felt unfocused and drained, unexcited and...drained. The usual energy boost that studying has given me has just been lost with all that's been going on at home so...

I've given myself a break.

I'm going back to work ('til next year) where my mind doesn't have to be ON all the time (sad but true) and where I can just go and do and I don't have to plan and figure things out or stress and worry about exams and papers etc. that are due and so on and so on. Planning, figuring, stress and worry I get plenty of anyways at home at the mo and I need home to be much less stressful to have and get energy from my studying...

It was a difficult decision to make (why start easy, eh?)...but, maybe, hopefully (?) it was necessary to make this one to be able to take the next step ahead. I am by no means thrilled about it but it does feel necessary and making it has made it easier for me to breathe and I desperately need some breathing space right now...

Decisions...

*sigh!*
Alrighty then, once again I'm having this getting-nowhere-conversation with myself.
It's decision time! Now. Preferably yesterday but now will work too...

Where to go? What to do? What are the consequences of doing or not doing? Going or not going? What are my options? How do those options work to my advantage or disadvantage? Do I have other options? Pros and cons them...!? Yes or No? Stay or Go? Maybe going is staying or perhaps staying means going...?? :/

What about maybe...? Or...I don't know...!?

This really, really, really is my least favourite thing about being a grown up. I hate it, I don't wanna!

Yet, I have to decide I have to choose and I know that whatever I choose it will be the right one...the certainty of that fact (and I believe it to be a fact!) doesn't make things any easier though...! Whyyyy is it sooo hard to just make a decision?! Just throw oneself into the 'unknown', people do it all the time about all kinds of stuff! Live a little? :P Nah... *sigh*

Things are hard and could so easily be easy. I keep hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel, for hope to emerge once again yet there's nothing...but wait! Did I see a tiny ray of light?!? ...probably not...or...? No! Yes? ...and here we go again...

At the same time as I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders I feel silly 'cause what are my 'worries' in comparison to others? There is no right or wrong! There's just...being, doing, living. Hurts will heal, wounds will mend, the past will be behind us and the future is ahead. I know what is important and that won't go anywhere, whatever I decide...! So DO, LIVE, BE!
...but...what? where? how...? :\

Walt Whitman

Walter "Walt" Whitman (1819 – 1892) an American poet, essayist and journalist.

Whitman was a religious skeptic: though he accepted all churches, he believed in none. God, to Whitman, was both immanent and transcendent and the human soul was immortal and in a state of progressive development.

"This is what you shall do:
Love the earth and sun and the animals,
Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks,
Stand up for the stupid and crazy,
Devote your income and labors to others,
Hate tyrants, argue not concerning God,
Have patience and indulgence toward the people,
Take off your hat to nothing known or unknown,
Or to any man or number of men,
Go freely with powerful uneducated persons,
And with the young and with the mothers of families,
Read these leaves in the open air,
Every season of every year of your life,
Reexamine all you have been told,
At school at church or in any book,
Dismiss whatever insults your own soul,
And your very flesh shall be a great poem,
And have the richest fluency not only in its words,
But in the silent lines of its lips and face,
And between the lashes of your eyes,
And in every motion and joint of your body."

"I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best."

"In the faces of men and women, I see God."

"When I give, I give myself."

"The future is no more uncertain than the present."

"Be curious, not judgmental."

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?"

"I am of old and young, of the foolish as much as the wise,
Regardless of others, ever regardful of others..."