2013 in review

How many...
People did you kiss? 3.
Countries did you visit? 1. Spain - Gran Canaria and Maspalomas to be precise.
Places did you live? 1.
People did you date? A handful. :)
Books did you read? 2-3 books of my own choice...? Too few! Not much time for leisure reading whilst studying full time at Uni.
People were living with you? 2. Kiddos. :)
Animals were living with you? 0.

What was your...
Favorite movie? Not sure I've seen a movie this year...? 
Favorite concert? Rascal Flatts! :) 
Worst experience? Getting my heart broken, twice. By someone else at the beginning of the year and then by me late this year drawing a line and ending a special ...friendship. 
Hurts like hell.
Happiest moment? There's been plenty of them, not sure I can pick one. The Rascal Flatts concert was kinda cool even if I did go there alone... :]
Biggest change? Does the constant adjusting to me, myself and I count as a change...?
Biggest surprise? That if I'm brave I don't have to alone... 

Did you...
Break a bad habit? Nah. Unfortunately not. I might have started a few new ones though. ;)
Start a relationship? Possibly...
End a relationship? Yes.
Change jobs? No.
Change living situations? No.
Lose a loved one? Thankfully not.
Start a new hobby? No.
Have an addition to the family? My cousin had her forth child, a second beautiful boy. :)
Get married? No!
Get divorced? No.

So, what are the things you want to see happen in 2014? Are there things you want to change in your life? About yourself?

 I want to be braver, bolder, more scared and more excited ...more alive. I don't want to be safe and settled I want to feel and keep growing into me.

Happy New Year and Brightest Blessings to you and yours for 2014!

the Universe is unfolding as it should,

Impossible...!?

Lately I've been trying my best to settle, settle in me, settle in singledom, settle with Loneliness (dispite not (ever) being alone) ...trying to ground myself in me. Trying to listen inwards for answers for guidance, for direction... Doing my best to breathe.

All it has given me is the realisation that I. Don't. Want To. Loneliness sucks when it hasn't been chosen, loneliness and I will not be in good terms until that happen, until I choose it - and I don't or won't! Not now.

Also ...I've done a mindless, senseless, stupid, naïve and ridiculous thing. I've gotten myself tangled up in something so completely impossible. It kind of freaks me out ...about as much as I love it. I love how it fills me and lightens up my day.

But.
It.
Is.
Impossible.

Not even sure it's for real...

So what do I do?? Do I revel in the glory of it 'til I've ended up breaking my own heart? Or do I do the "sensible" thing and end "it" ...whatever this thing is...??
...not sure I can. I want it, this, him too much.

I do.

 



The Pain

Rip my heart out. 

Force me to breathe without you. 

The Pain. The Pain! 

I move on 'cause I have to, not 'cause I want to.

You miss me?? 

(I still miss you too!)

Have you finally realised my worth? 

Too late now - that bridge is burned.

It'll never be we again...

(27-03-2013)

These words came out of me when I finally realised it was over. No going back. I don't usually do that kind of writing - nonsens babbling is more "my thing" ;) ...so, I feel both hesitant and proud to put this "out there". But here it is and I feel so utterly blessed that it is, truly, behind me.

My One Word 2013

I've been struggling with my One Word this year. Last year it came so perfectly and I was hoping it'd be the same this time around but no... It kept itself hidden and recent events sort of brought it out into the light.

So... yeah... Last years Heart rather unexpectedly, yet quite obviously, brought Love and then it left me again on Sunday and all, ALL, I've been able to think about is breathing. My breath seems to have left together with Love and my current way of breathing is through deep deeeeep sighs.

My one word 2013 is

 Breathe

1) ...to repeatedly draw air into, and expel it from, the lungs in order to extract oxygen from it and excrete waste products.

2) ...to rest; to stop and catch one's breath.

3)  ...to be relaxed or calm. ...the wind breathes through the trees...

4) ...to live. I will not allow it, as long as I still breathe.

5) ...to whisper quietly.

I need to do all of the above.
I need to breathe, for me and for my kids. Breathing will (hopefully) bring less stress, less angst, less anger, more air, more patience, more calm, more peace.

Breathe, just breathe... and everything will be alright again.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.
- Sylvia Plath

Heart & Faith

Can I choose who gets my heart? Or am I just kidding myself when I keep trying to convince myself that I decide...? I think I might be...

My heart has chosen and all I can do (?) is to try to have faith. Faith in the choice it has made, Faith in its new caretaker and Faith in its capacity to mend if (when?) broken.

It's scary...having faith that is... I was pretty sure I'd "lost" it (the capability of having enough faith in someone to let them tend to my heart) but over and over again I'm prompted into daring to believe, into having faith so...I'll do my best.

I'll try to have heart. :)

love,

The Egg by Andy Weir

My dearest darling soul sis Cora posted this on her blog at the beginning of the month at it just blew me away! Touched my heart. I loooove it. 

Go read and get the wind knocked out of you too! :)

The Egg by Andy Weir

Love& Light,

Daring to see and feel...!

Finally, finally, finally I've gotten myself a laptop! It's on loan to me from my brother-in-law so that I can specify what I like/don't like about his one so that he'll be able to sort me out with just the right one for me! :) :) :)

...at the mo though I'm on my sisters computer... ;) Me and kiddies are house-sitting her home whilst she and her family are away. It's a winwin situation as it give me time to hang out with my Gothenburg friends I don't get to see too often. :)

Oh my word...how I have missed this! Having the time to blog about a topic that has been brewing within and not feeling stressed about having the time it'll take me to get it written. True bliss! :)

I wanna return to this me-letting-my-hear-lead-the-way-topic I've been touching but not really having time to write about.

Quite quickly after the long-awaited move to BlueHouse I was somewhat concerned about the skipping of my heart... It was nice to feel it but its long inactivity made me uncomfortable and sometimes the skipping, or unexpected rush, would cause me actual, physical, pain... Please be gentle was my quiet prayer. Go slow...! Take your time. Let me rest. Yet it headed none of my pleas and kept on its previous behaviour.

I was like a teenager again with rushing emotions, I was high and low and blushing and embarrased and angry...! I whinged and moaned about it to my awesome friends and at one point, texting with my most brilliant "sister" A. she sent me a message saying

"Yes hun, it's scary to be alive. But it's time now..."

and I was floored by how right she was...! I realised that the discomfort a skipping (alive!) heart gave me was in fact managable beacause of the joy and rush that a beating heart brings...!

I realised also that I am not a teenager again (which I for a moment feared I was turning into!)! I am in fact very grown up, in control of my Life, of my choices and I choose to Feel and I allow myself to See and believe myself worthy of good things and good things have been coming my way. :)

It's awesome... I feel...aligned (things make sense) like I've not felt before... Like my head and heart are catching up on what my Soul has been screaming for a long time...and I believe. It's so cool! :D

 In the Light,

Heart

My one word for 2012 - Heart is already, only halfway through the year, showing me how right it was to choose me. :)

2012 has truly been my year! A year to settle in Me and my Freedom and I'm SO excited to see where the rest of the year takes me! :) I've been braver, bolder, kinder and more loving (to myself) than I probably have ever been...! I've been letting my heart lead the way (more) and letting myself feel more and I feel so much more alive than I have in aaages. :) :) :) I'm not scared.

I'm in a good place.

Love&Light,
 

Getting settled.

Hi y'all! :)
I've got a BIG exam tomorrow and I reallyreally should be studying for it but...since I haven't yet opened the books for it I'm going to use tomorrow as a trial run and aim to pass on the next opportunity. Opening the litterature now would just cause panic so I won't - I'll blog a bit instead. :D

I miss this - blogging! My right hand is a very tired hand dealing with most of my free time surfing on the android phone so I'm thinking it's time to get myself a cute little laptop? :) :) :)

What I'm here to say is that we've all settled well in BlueHouse. I'm happy, kids are too. Ex has gotten himself a place of his own too (which we feared he might not in time). Tomorrow we'll finally be free of ScabbyHouse as new owners will get the keys. :) I've been ready for this for sooo long...

Divorce has also gone through its final stages and I'm no longer a married woman and I've also sent in the application for my new surname. :)

Most things are good now. :) Not all, by any means, but when my biggest source of irritation right now is that I've yet to figure out how to fill the new dishwasher the Best way I really don't feel I've got too much to complain about...

I am sending out a little prayer for my heart to please stop skipping like it does from time to time... it's completely random yet equally painful everytime. Not ready for that just yet...

My One Word 2012

OK, so I've picked my One Word for 2012. :) ...or, to be perfectly honest, It picked Me! ;) I was pretty sure I was going to use Faith this year. Because that's what I hope to have, to hold on to, through the tough times I know I've got ahead of me. But... At Meeting yesterday I was struck by the word Heart - what I really need for 2012 is to have Heart. :) So, that's my word! :)

♥


Wherever you go, go with all your heart.
- Confucius

Heart
n.

1. Anatomy
a. The chambered muscular organ in vertebrates that pumps blood received from the veins into the arteries, thereby maintaining the flow of blood through the entire circulatory system.
b. A similarly functioning structure in invertebrates.

2. The area that is the approximate location of the heart in the body; the breast.

3.
a. The vital center and source of one's being, emotions, and sensibilities.b. The repository of one's deepest and sincerest feelings and beliefs: an appeal from the heart; a subject dear to her heart.
c. The seat of the intellect or imagination: the worst atrocities the human heart could devise.
4.
a. Emotional constitution, basic disposition, or character: a man after my own heart.
b. One's prevailing mood or current inclination: We were light of heart.

5.
a. Capacity for sympathy or generosity; compassion: a leader who seems to have no heart.
b. Love; affection: The child won my heart.

6.
a. Courage; resolution; fortitude: The soldiers lost heart and retreated.
b. The firmness of will or the callousness required to carry out an unpleasant task or responsibility: hadn't the heart to send them away without food.

7. A person esteemed or admired as lovable, loyal, or courageous: a dear heart.

8.  a. The central or innermost physical part of a place or region: the heart of the financial district.
b. The core of a plant, fruit, or vegetable: hearts of palm.

9. The most important or essential part: get to the heart of the matter.

10. A conventional two-lobed representation of the heart, usually colored red or pink.


Idioms:
at heart
In one's deepest feelings; fundamentally.

by heart
Learned by rote; memorized word for word.

do (one's) heart good
To lift one's spirits; make one happy. from the bottom/depths of (one's) heart
With the deepest appreciation; most sincerely.

have (one's) heart in (one's) mouth
To be extremely frightened or anxious.

have (one's) heart in the right place
To be well-intentioned. heart and soul
Completely; entirely. in (one's) heart of hearts
In the seat of one's truest feelings.

lose (one's) heart to
To fall in love with.

near/close to (one's) heart
Loved by or important to one.

steal (someone's) heart
To win one's affection or love.

take to heart
To take seriously and be affected or troubled by: Don't take my criticism to heart.
to (one's) heart's content
To one's entire satisfaction, without limitation. wear (one's) heart on (one's) sleeve
To show one's feelings clearly and openly by one's behavior.

with all (one's) heart
1. With great willingness or pleasure.
2. With the deepest feeling or devotion

♥