"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."
- Ernest Hemingway
Hoping I am one of the 'many'...
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Sunday, 28 August 2011
...thank you...
Most of my posts are posted as soon as they are written but lately I've started writing on posts and saving them... 'til they feel 'right' to post... This is one of the ones I've been holding on to for a little while.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ These words are for you - even if you might never actually read it... At the same time I realise that they are just as much, perhaps more, for me... Things are inevitably coming to an end for us and I need to hold on to gratitude rather than the bitterness that is lurking just round the corner...
I want and need to thank you. The good, the bad and the sad that we've been through together has given me gifts greater than I could have ever imagined. Our journey has been full of blessing, big and small, some obvious and others are still yet to be revealed. The most obvious Gifts we've been given are two healthy, bright, beautiful little people with all their endless possibilities for the future.
Thank you for A and E, for making me a Mother.
Our joint struggles has made things clear to me, what I believe to be Truly Important. With, what I hope to be, a looong Journey ahead of me I now know, or at least have a pretty good idea, of who I am and what I want and need of/in Life.
Thank you for giving me Clarity.
Your own personal struggles and all that I've seen, and still see, that you need - for you, have helped me see what I need for me.
Thank you for helping me Grow.
You say there must have been a Reason for us meeting when, and the way, we did. We were Supposed to Meet and I agree. We just disagree on the reason why... We both still have a long Journey ahead and I believe that Reasons may still reveal themselves to us. Just because we came together in magical circumstances doesn't mean that the magic remains forever... Some people come together for an important moment in time, for that moment, not to stay together forever...
There has been a lot of outward changes in our lives since the day we met, just short of 11 years ago... The biggest change, for me, hasn't the obvious things, it has been what has been going on inside me - all of the lesson's I've learnt, the growing I've done as a wife, mother and human being... All these things have given me Faith, faith that I've in some ways always had but not dared (?) to believe in, never really surrendered to... I now do believe and I am surrendering...
Thank you for giving me the tools to Believe.
With the rain pouring down outside and thunder rolling over us I finish this post with a sense of peace. Our journey together isn't all over, even if our marriage might be. As parents we will need to join forces and make decisions and be there for each other,
we are still a Family.
with love and gratitude,
I want and need to thank you.
Thank you for A and E, for making me a Mother.
Our joint struggles has made things clear to me, what I believe to be Truly Important. With, what I hope to be, a looong Journey ahead of me I now know, or at least have a pretty good idea, of who I am and what I want and need of/in Life.
Thank you for giving me Clarity.
Your own personal struggles and all that I've seen, and still see, that you need - for you, have helped me see what I need for me.
Thank you for helping me Grow.
You say there must have been a Reason for us meeting when, and the way, we did. We were Supposed to Meet and I agree. We just disagree on the reason why... We both still have a long Journey ahead and I believe that Reasons may still reveal themselves to us. Just because we came together in magical circumstances doesn't mean that the magic remains forever... Some people come together for an important moment in time, for that moment, not to stay together forever...
There has been a lot of outward changes in our lives since the day we met, just short of 11 years ago... The biggest change, for me, hasn't the obvious things, it has been what has been going on inside me - all of the lesson's I've learnt, the growing I've done as a wife, mother and human being... All these things have given me Faith, faith that I've in some ways always had but not dared (?) to believe in, never really surrendered to... I now do believe and I am surrendering...
Thank you for giving me the tools to Believe.
With the rain pouring down outside and thunder rolling over us I finish this post with a sense of peace. Our journey together isn't all over, even if our marriage might be. As parents we will need to join forces and make decisions and be there for each other,
we are still a Family.
with love and gratitude,
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Meltdown.
:( :( :(
I feel like the crappiest mum ever...! Like all I can do right now is be angry, yell and bark at them - who's fault it isn't...! And rather than stopping it I just get more angry (for being angry) with him, and them... :(
A few words from him could make things 'alright' again, take the tension out, calm the storm...but those words never come...
I don't wanna be angry, sad and alone anymore.
I feel like the crappiest mum ever...! Like all I can do right now is be angry, yell and bark at them - who's fault it isn't...! And rather than stopping it I just get more angry (for being angry) with him, and them... :(
A few words from him could make things 'alright' again, take the tension out, calm the storm...but those words never come...
I don't wanna be angry, sad and alone anymore.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Searching outside or within...
These words (that I found over at Hay Quaker) shook my world a little and squeezed my heart with recognition... They made me gasp as I read them over and over, holding my breath.
How something (I assume is) written for the 'big arena', with politics and ideology in mind, can fit just as well...eerily well on a much smaller, personal, level too...! *sigh*
'Himself' is my husband in this scenario and I am 'somewhere outside/others'... :/
"Someone who does not draw strength from himself and who is incapable of finding the meaning of his life within himself will...seek the map to his own orientation somewhere outside himself--in some ideology, organization, or society, and then, however active he may appear to be, he is merely waiting, depending. He waits to see what others will do, or what roles they will assign to him, and he depends on them--and if they don't do anything or if they botch things, he succumbs to disillusion, despair, and ultimately, resignation."
- Václav Havel
How something (I assume is) written for the 'big arena', with politics and ideology in mind, can fit just as well...eerily well on a much smaller, personal, level too...! *sigh*
'Himself' is my husband in this scenario and I am 'somewhere outside/others'... :/
"Someone who does not draw strength from himself and who is incapable of finding the meaning of his life within himself will...seek the map to his own orientation somewhere outside himself--in some ideology, organization, or society, and then, however active he may appear to be, he is merely waiting, depending. He waits to see what others will do, or what roles they will assign to him, and he depends on them--and if they don't do anything or if they botch things, he succumbs to disillusion, despair, and ultimately, resignation."
- Václav Havel
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Long winding road...
"I have walked that long road to freedom.
I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come.
But I can rest only for a moment, for with freedom comes responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended."
I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come.
But I can rest only for a moment, for with freedom comes responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended."
Let's immediately be clear on one thing. I do not compare my journey to the one of Mr. Mandela's but his words fit my mindset today, which I hope you know is only one version of a two-sided coin. :)
You who have followed me for a while are by now somewhat aware of my ponderings on the what/where/how's of Life... I've tried to put one foot in front of the other, to move forward, yet...somehow I've still managed to linger this state of limbo for reasons yet unknown...
Perhaps I needed some rest, or maybe I needed to get even more ... before I could muster the energy required to actually start inching my way forward again...? Maybe I just needed a little bit more Time to make certain of where I was heading...? Probably all of the above.
What I have come up with is this, that the cliche of it's not you, it's me has some truth to it... At some point it stops being about 'the other' or the 'us' and it ends up being about 'me'...Simply because there can't be an 'us' without, at least two, 'me' and one 'me' cannot care for the other 'me' if he or she is lost...
For sure I know that all the love in the world that you have for that other isn't enough to heal him/her, because that healing has to come from within. My love might sooth and for a while relieve of pain but after some time, sometimes after a long time, it is clear that no amount of love can find the 'me' that is lost and all that the love projected, that in a healthy relationship should have been mirrored back, has been desperately consumed to fill that hole within and has been completely ineffective in the search for Self that only he, on his own, can find. One 'me' can't do the loving an nurturing of two... That's my conclusion...
I've promised to lead by example and I have failed, but I'm going to keep trying, I'm going to find a way, my way...
I'm moving again.
Love&Light,
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
Monday, 20 December 2010
Love...
Do you love the one you love for you or do you love him for him (or her)...? Confusing? Yeah, it sure is. :P But! There is a difference!
Usually, naturally, there is a bit of both kinds of love in a relationship. Giving and taking. It's taken me a looong long time to (I think) "figure" this one out and I want to try it out on you "all"... ;) :)
Love can be about how safe, protected and loved you feel by your certain someone, i.e. loving someone for you for what you get out of Love. Or (and!) it can be the love you feel for your partner - what a great dad he is, what a kind heart he has or his quick wit. You love your partner for all the possibilities that he/she has for him- or herself...not what you get from Love but what Love enables you to see in you partner.
Again, love is usually, hopefully, a healthy mixture of both - from both lovers. But, a lot of the time, it's not. I say this both from my own experience and the experience of others. When there's an...let call it an imbalance of the two, not uncommonly between partners - where one loves for the all possibilities of the other and the other one love only for what he/she gets out of his/her partners affections. One of them could soar but is too frightened to do so...and the Love that he receives is...ultimately...wasted. This imbalance may last forever but will (again in my opinion) in the end to some degree be seasoned with bitterness.
There is also the desperate love between two partners who are both trying to fill themselves up with the other persons love, in the end draining each other out completely and usually ending in emotional, quite often dramatic, break-ups with wounds so deep they feel like they'll never heal.
Sometimes we're not even aware that we love someone only to fill a hole in ourselves rather than being the wind beneath our loved ones wings, helping them soar...
Is it right to deem one kind of love better than the other? I'm not sure, perhaps this will come back and bite me but I'm daring to say that Yes, there is a "better" more true kind of love...and it is not loving someone for yourself.
Because when you are in a relationship where you love each other, not for what you get, but what Love lets you give it is more true. You both grow, learn, evolve together into better, brighter, more beautiful versions of yourselves.
But, it's hard...we all have our own insecurities and old hurts that haven't healed so we love when love makes us feel special, beautiful, safe... We just have to be aware that what makes us special, beautiful, safe is our love for ourselves!
It's a cliché but it's true...you can't Love someone if you don't love yourself. You can give someone the illusion of love but it isn't the love that they, or you, deserve!
Find yourself first, love you, then give love and you'll get it back...! :)
I'm convinced of it!
Usually, naturally, there is a bit of both kinds of love in a relationship. Giving and taking. It's taken me a looong long time to (I think) "figure" this one out and I want to try it out on you "all"... ;) :)
Love can be about how safe, protected and loved you feel by your certain someone, i.e. loving someone for you for what you get out of Love. Or (and!) it can be the love you feel for your partner - what a great dad he is, what a kind heart he has or his quick wit. You love your partner for all the possibilities that he/she has for him- or herself...not what you get from Love but what Love enables you to see in you partner.
Again, love is usually, hopefully, a healthy mixture of both - from both lovers. But, a lot of the time, it's not. I say this both from my own experience and the experience of others. When there's an...let call it an imbalance of the two, not uncommonly between partners - where one loves for the all possibilities of the other and the other one love only for what he/she gets out of his/her partners affections. One of them could soar but is too frightened to do so...and the Love that he receives is...ultimately...wasted. This imbalance may last forever but will (again in my opinion) in the end to some degree be seasoned with bitterness.
There is also the desperate love between two partners who are both trying to fill themselves up with the other persons love, in the end draining each other out completely and usually ending in emotional, quite often dramatic, break-ups with wounds so deep they feel like they'll never heal.
Sometimes we're not even aware that we love someone only to fill a hole in ourselves rather than being the wind beneath our loved ones wings, helping them soar...
Is it right to deem one kind of love better than the other? I'm not sure, perhaps this will come back and bite me but I'm daring to say that Yes, there is a "better" more true kind of love...and it is not loving someone for yourself.
Because when you are in a relationship where you love each other, not for what you get, but what Love lets you give it is more true. You both grow, learn, evolve together into better, brighter, more beautiful versions of yourselves.
But, it's hard...we all have our own insecurities and old hurts that haven't healed so we love when love makes us feel special, beautiful, safe... We just have to be aware that what makes us special, beautiful, safe is our love for ourselves!
It's a cliché but it's true...you can't Love someone if you don't love yourself. You can give someone the illusion of love but it isn't the love that they, or you, deserve!
Find yourself first, love you, then give love and you'll get it back...! :)
I'm convinced of it!
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