Being back2front?

I should so be in bed right now but I had another 'revelation' tonight that I just had to write it down however tired and muddled it might sound... Tomorrow I might not remember my thoughts...

Things that are 'easy' I make difficult for myself by feeling not good enough, guilty and by being too hard on myself.. The hard stuff on the other hand I shrugg my shoulders at, I 'make' them easier than they actually are, I cope, I manage... no guilt, no putting myself down or doubting my capabilities.

Is that, or isn't it, the right way round...? Should the easy really be hard and the hard, easy...? Is that the recipe for 'success'? ...or for disaster...?

I'm not yet sure what I think about it all more than that I had the thought... hmm..

Love&Light,

Absent...

...in blog, mind and soul...

I'm fumbling in the darkness again, decisions needing to be made. Again. Loads of 'whatif's and no-one to give me answers...

I know, know, I know that I'll be alright, that things will fall into place, that there is a point and purpose for all of this and once I'm out on the other side I'll see things clearer.. But! It fecking SUCKS being stuck in this angry, angry, lonely place when all I want and wish for is to not be so angry...not feel so alone..

I try to hear, to feel, the answers inside - I know they're there but...I also know that there is not absolute Right or Wrong...things are what they are - it is how it is... Whatever I decide it'll be Right...we choose and decide to the best of our ability in the time and place that we're in at the particular time and place... When a decision has been made it is Right... Right for the journey we need to make...for what's ahead. And, it is that gut-feeling we have to follow...for us... 'cause we can only choose for ourselves - not for anyone else (except perhaps our children - who will hopefully know/learn we did the best we could with what we had at hand)...

Long winding road...

"I have walked that long road to freedom.
I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come.
But I can rest only for a moment, for with freedom comes responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended."

- Nelson Mandela, 1995

Let's immediately be clear on one thing. I do not compare my journey to the one of Mr. Mandela's but his words fit my mindset today, which I hope you know is only one version of a two-sided coin. :)

You who have followed me for a while are by now somewhat aware of my ponderings on the what/where/how's of Life... I've tried to put one foot in front of the other, to move forward, yet...somehow I've still managed to linger this state of limbo for reasons yet unknown...

Perhaps I needed some rest, or maybe I needed to get even more ... before I could muster the energy required to actually start inching my way forward again...? Maybe I just needed a little bit more Time to make certain of where I was heading...? Probably all of the above.

What I have come up with is this, that the cliche of it's not you, it's me has some truth to it... At some point it stops being about 'the other' or the 'us' and it ends up being about 'me'...Simply because there can't be an 'us' without, at least two, 'me' and one 'me' cannot care for the other 'me' if he or she is lost...

For sure I know that all the love in the world that you have for that other isn't enough to heal him/her, because that healing has to come from within. My love might sooth and for a while relieve of pain but after some time, sometimes after a long time, it is clear that no amount of love can find the 'me' that is lost and all that the love projected, that in a healthy relationship should have been mirrored back, has been desperately consumed to fill that hole within and has been completely ineffective in the search for Self that only he, on his own, can find. One 'me' can't do the loving an nurturing of two... That's my conclusion...

I've promised to lead by example and I have failed, but I'm going to keep trying, I'm going to find a way, my way...

I'm moving again.

Love&Light,

More books...!

*lol!* And here I thought I wasn't up to blogging right now...! This'll be my fourth post today!? :D Must be a new record! ;)
It's another book post, I read about One Thousand Gifts over on Kindred of the Quiet Way and it made me curious.


I seems to be just the type of book I love to read so I hunted about on the net for more info about it. I found an excerpt of the book here. Oh my goodness, I bawled my eyes out reading that first chapter and now just have to read more. I looove reading about interesting life journeys, especially spiritual ones, and Ann Voskamp seems to have made one. :) I think I should be able to read 'past' all the bible references (which are not really my cup of tea) and still enjoy the journey. :)
Ann also has a beautiful blog - A Holy Experience where her faith, grace and gratitude shine bright...