Love? No Thanks!

Being well-aware of the fact that I might currently be inclined to some bitterness in matters of Love I'm still going to put this out there.

There. is. no. such. thing. as. Life-long. Love.

Yup, that's my claim! You cannot 'just' love someone for a lifetime...!

OK, OK, chill your beans! I'm not saying you're not going to stay with your Mr./Mrs. Right for the rest of your life! ;) I'm just saying that a life-long commitment has not got that much to do with Love.

I mean it! Love is (and should be!) the 'side-effect' of Respect, Understanding, Friendship, Kindness and Communication (- of which 3/4 should be Listening!). If Love comes First then you're probably going to experience some trouble either early on in the relationship or after 10 years of trying to figure out the balance of all that other (more important!) stuff, the giving/taking, lifting/leaning, talking/listening... and, you'll figure out that thing called Love isn't at all what it's made out to be... If your lucky you manage to sort things out, put them in order but it's quite likely that it's all too messed up, too much out of balance for you to balance the scale right...

Love doesn't make the world go round.

On the other hand...you might already have known this...?! :) I think I have too, but it's taken me 'til now to put it into context...

The only exeption to this 'rule' is the Love between a Parent and a Child. Those little people you just Love, Love and Love...with all your heart! In that instance the Respect, Understanding, Kindness and Compassionate Communication comes out of Love. With grown-ups it works the other way...!

A parent cannot (or, shouldn't) 'just' Love their grown-up child either. When children grow up you need to readjust the 'Love-setting' to 'less'...and you treat them like the grown-ups they are. :)

I've given up on Love. I have!

I don't want it anymore. I deserve better than that. 

I hope to find, to be deserving of, a life-long friend, a confidant, an equal, whom I can talk to and who will listen...  rather than the complicated mess that love brings. If love happens to happen, eventually, then alright... I realise I might not be immune to...the infatuation of love... but I don't wish, hope or pray for it, neither for me or for anyone else...
Except! When it comes to Self-Love! (but that's a different post! ;))

Absent...

...in blog, mind and soul...

I'm fumbling in the darkness again, decisions needing to be made. Again. Loads of 'whatif's and no-one to give me answers...

I know, know, I know that I'll be alright, that things will fall into place, that there is a point and purpose for all of this and once I'm out on the other side I'll see things clearer.. But! It fecking SUCKS being stuck in this angry, angry, lonely place when all I want and wish for is to not be so angry...not feel so alone..

I try to hear, to feel, the answers inside - I know they're there but...I also know that there is not absolute Right or Wrong...things are what they are - it is how it is... Whatever I decide it'll be Right...we choose and decide to the best of our ability in the time and place that we're in at the particular time and place... When a decision has been made it is Right... Right for the journey we need to make...for what's ahead. And, it is that gut-feeling we have to follow...for us... 'cause we can only choose for ourselves - not for anyone else (except perhaps our children - who will hopefully know/learn we did the best we could with what we had at hand)...

Meltdown.

:( :( :(
I feel like the crappiest mum ever...! Like all I can do right now is be angry, yell and bark at them - who's fault it isn't...! And rather than stopping it I just get more angry (for being angry) with him, and them... :( 

A few words from him could make things 'alright' again, take the tension out, calm the storm...but those words never come...

I don't wanna be angry, sad and alone anymore.

Spoilsport

Yeah, that's me. Any time we decide on doing some type of 'family fun' my image of 'happy times' is spoilt by everyone just being their usual selves... Before we even get going I get annoyed, feel like the fun is ruined but everyones lack of interest or appreciation, by the usual everyday conflicts (that I for some reason think will magically disappear this particular moment in time)...and then I end up being the spoilsport - grumpy, moody and irritable... :(

I know I overreact, how is everyone supposed to join in on the fun that I keep ruining with my unreasonable expectations of a smiling, happy family...??

Winner of worst Mum award 2005 - present,

* Parenting * Family * Children *

"Give the children love, more love and still more love – and the common sense will come by itself."
- Astrid Lindgren

"Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence."
- Plato

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
- Theodore Hesburgh

"What good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is usually best after all."
- Benjamin Spock

"There's no road map on how to raise a family: it's always an enormous negotiation."
- Meryl Streep

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
- Desmond Tutu

"Family is not an important thing, it's everything."
- Michael J. Fox

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made."
- Bill Cosby

"We cannot fashion our children after our desires, we must have them and love them as God has given them to us."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The Pencil

More powerful stuff from Paulo Coelho:
I've put the "main points" in bold - for me... :)

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:
‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
‘ I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’

‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’
‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.’
‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’
‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’
‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action.’

source: “Like the Flowing River” by Paulo Coelho



Needing to take the time to read more than little bits of mr. Coelho's work...!

In Sweden, the Men Can Have It All

I always find it interesting to read about Sweden and "Swedish phenomena" from other parts of the world. Here's an interesting article from the New York Times - In Sweden, the Men Can Have It All, about the Swedish model of parental leave and its benefits and possible disadvantages.

It is a subject of much debate here... How much should the government have to say about our parental leave...? What right have they got to meddle about the equality in our own homes...?? etc. and so on.

I can see both advantages and the hindrance that governmental meddling can have and I realise too that there isn't an easy 'fix' or answer for these kinds of things... Generally though, I feel that change isn't anything that can or should be forced upon people and that change, especially in terms of equality, in society should initially start from 'the top'. Changing the mindset/attitude about women's influence/place/value/etc. in board rooms and other places of power rather than how ordinary people on "grass root"-level decide to manage their lives in accordance to the narrow-mindedness of the people 'on top'...

We do our best with what we have been given and forcing equality in the home to change the attitudes 'above' is harsh and unfair, for the most part. Yes, there will be certain benefits from people having no choice but to stand up to old worldly traditions but... The fact that men, in 'men trades' generally have full time employment whilst women, in 'female trades', only have part time work or even just temporary employment... To force the man in this "stereotypical" couple to stay at home whilst the woman scrambles to get more hours of work or even work at all will not change the mentality in stiff all male board rooms! ...it'll only means an earlier start at nursery for the child, I feel 12 months is already too early, and parental days gone unused at this early, most essential time for both parents and child...

Well, I'm not going to delve any deeper, than I already have ;), into this specific subject. It's an interesting read and please feel free to give me tips of other articles you may find on "Swedish-ness"! :)

If...

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn;
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight;
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy;
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty;

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient;
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence;
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate;
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice;
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith;
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself;

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world. ♥

by Dorothy Law Holte (?)

About raising children...

All My Babies Are Gone Now
By Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow, but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of the them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education - all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations - what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China . Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the "Remember-When-Mom-Did" Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language -mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?" (She insisted I include that here.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.

I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.