Absent...

...in blog, mind and soul...

I'm fumbling in the darkness again, decisions needing to be made. Again. Loads of 'whatif's and no-one to give me answers...

I know, know, I know that I'll be alright, that things will fall into place, that there is a point and purpose for all of this and once I'm out on the other side I'll see things clearer.. But! It fecking SUCKS being stuck in this angry, angry, lonely place when all I want and wish for is to not be so angry...not feel so alone..

I try to hear, to feel, the answers inside - I know they're there but...I also know that there is not absolute Right or Wrong...things are what they are - it is how it is... Whatever I decide it'll be Right...we choose and decide to the best of our ability in the time and place that we're in at the particular time and place... When a decision has been made it is Right... Right for the journey we need to make...for what's ahead. And, it is that gut-feeling we have to follow...for us... 'cause we can only choose for ourselves - not for anyone else (except perhaps our children - who will hopefully know/learn we did the best we could with what we had at hand)...

Choices

Yeah...those Life Choices...

When and how do you make them?
What/when/who decides what/when/who does whatever is to be done...?
How do you ever know when the right time is, or that the right choice has been done??
Every choice has a consequence, every action an effect and what has been done can't be un-done.
I guess what I've been doing, so far at least, is by following my gut and my heart feeling quite certain that things will work out, and they always have (and will?) so that "plan of action" had worked out quite well for me, so far... Yet...here I am, and have been for quite a while, needing to make a move rather than just follow a feeling... and I'm feeling strong&weak, lost&found, confident&insecure all at once! I need to make a choice, make my move, make a change and I can literally feel a Force behind me urging me to dare, to go, to do. And still here I stand, where I've been standing, teary eyed like a lost child knowing that once I make that move, whether it be right or 'wrong', I can't take it back. I won't be able to un-do it...

I've always been...strong... An opinionated do:er, the one who manages whatever Life tosses her way. I'm a person who people look to for answers like I was some kind of oracle. I realise that sounds harsh perhaps and it isn't how/what I mean, I merely want to state it sort of matter-of-factly... Why is that? Why do people asume I know when I don't know! Not any more than the next person anyways...! Why do I cope? Why don't I break? Why? Why are things still so hard...? Why can't someone choose for me??

Why can't I have a mad rant without the answers to my questions starting to form at the back of my head?! I don't want to know, don't want to cope and manage... I wanna break...just a little bit...so that I don't need to be strong all the time...