We've got the pox on our house!

...the chicken kind of pox that is. ;p

On Thursday night I found a suspicious looking spot on MisterMan's back which turned out to be the long awaited, harder-than-you-might-think-to-catch chicken pox. He's been a real trooper taking meds for the pain and high fever he's had and been really good at not scratching, even telling his granny how to gently rub his back for him... :)

My mum's looked after the kids during the weekend while I've been at work and little sis was supposed to come mind them today but last night was rough, the itching is no fun right now + he's sore too so even scratching the itch makes him cry. Feeling quite miserable = no-one but mummy will do, :) so I've stayed home from work today.

We've gotten some stuff today to relieve him of the itching and I think it might be working 'cause he fell asleep just after I put it on. :)

So...will Little E get in just in time for xmas or...? ;) Oh well, it's about time they got it and littlest niece is big enough now too to get it so bring it on! ;p Just a bit of a shame that they miss last week of xmas fun in school/nursery - especially Lucia tomorrow which they have been practising and preparing for this past month.. Big sis has promised to prepare some 'lussemys' at her house so they'll still get to dress up and sing some songs and truly make us all feel that xmas is here.. :) :) :)

Aha...!

I 'came up' with a 'new' motto/philosophy the other day and I've not been able to let it go. No matter which way I twist and turn it, it stays true...

Det är som det är, för att det är som det är.

Translated into English it goes something sorta like this;
It is what it is, because it is what it is...

Meaning...that the situation one is in is due to surrounding circumstances - the house is a mess, because I wasn't home to tidy or too busy or out having fun or not giving a damn or one is tired because one didn't get enough sleep or the kids are being a pain in the side because they aren't getting enough attention... etc. and so on.

It is what it is, because it is what it is.

...and for things/'it' to not be what 'it' is we need to change the other it's. Make sense??? Or...perhaps this is yet another one of my not-so-sensible ramblings?! ;)

In the Light (?),

Why...?!

Why is Life such a trial? Like I'm going through this eternal Test...!

I'm worn, torn, all but broken and then I get a tiny moment to catch my breath and then I'm sucker-punched in the gut and the breaking down starts all over again...!

I keep taking it. I keep coping, managing, inching forward in this effort that is Life (right now, I keep lying to myself)...but I'm really, really, really, really, really, really getting fed up with always coping and managing...not knowing how to give up....! To whomever's in charge and obviously is getting a kick out of this - I'd give up if I knew how to!!!

Angry and Frustrated,

Church?

I had somewhat of a breakdown on Sunday and I 'ran away' from home for the day. Not really having a plan of action after my "escape" I went into town, whilst waiting to hear from a friend I was sure I could hang out with... ♥

I wandered about in our little town for a while, it's a place where all shops in the town center are closed on Sundays (I love that! :)) and inevitably I passed the old church and it dawned on me that it was in fact Sunday. :)

I have a hard time remembering the last time I went to a church service... Sure, there's been christenings, weddings and funerals but... when was I last at Mass? Can't remember...!

I love churches...! :) It's a bit of a strange thing for a secular 'Christian' like myself but there is something there, no matter if its a plain little one or a Grand Cathedral. :) I like to walk around and soak up the atmosphere, light a candle or two and just be...in the stillness.

So...I thought maybe I should give the church-going a go... :) Maybe it'd lift my broken spirit?

My mind was changed almost as soon as I'd sat myself down in the pew. It was all so loud...! The choir sang beautifully and songs of praise give me goosebumps but... I don't know... it's distracting if the point of the service is to be 'prayerful'. And... the whole 'begging for mercy' on my sinful soul just give me the creeps! :\

I do the best I can, with what I have, in that particular situation I'm in... I just...hmm... I don't mean to say I don't do anything wrong ('cause I do! a lot!) but, I can't believe that begging/praying for mercy and forgivness is what I'm supposed to do with my time...!

I believe that I'm already forgiven. Before I've even made the mistakes I'm about to do... Is that too bold of a thing to say...?? :/ Well, now I've said it! I'm forgiven. I know this in my heart - without having to beg for it, without the minister telling me that I am...

What I try to do is to be aware and learn from mistakes (sins? whatever is a sin anyways?!) made. But, even if I lived my whole life doing the same mistake over and over and over and over again I would still be forgiven, without any requests of mercy because it's enough that I tried to be a better person...or, perhaps I didn't know any better...and that's good enought too... You know what I mean?

Anyways... :) back to the service... All I could think about was how loud and distracting is all was, how not seeing the face of the other church-goers, just the back of their heads, was sad... I wanted to see their faces and I wanted them to see mine. There were a lot of people there but, where they visible? Was there a sense of community...? Maybe there was, but I as an 'outsider' did not see or feel this at all...

I left after 10 minutes...in the middle of another loud hymn... I will be back, just not a time of Service... I'll be back for that something, the peace and stillness where the possibility for being prayerful lies.

(church in the pictures is the actual church mentioned in this post.)

Love&Light,

My first Meeting for Worship

Quakers aren't a very big group in Sweden, roughly a 100ish members. Getting to meetings is somewhat of a 'project' (and I still fairly close to one). The group closest to me only meet for worship once a month (not weekly, which I've gathered to be the norm), first Sunday of the month,  and they also have a break over the summer. Yesterday was the first Meeting for Worship after the summer break and I had decided that this one would be my first. Wasn't going to miss it for anything and, I didn't! :)

On Thursday I got an email from a Friend I've been in contact with where he mentioned that the meeting was up and running again and that L.B. from my town usually makes the trip to the next city for worship and that a lift could probably be organised if I got in touch with him. I did that, mostly to get some company for the journey as I was a little bit nervous and I thought a chat before the meeting would ease my nerves a bit.

L.B. picked me up and we had a good chat on our way, where we also picked up Friend E. and then helped her set the meeting up. :)

We set up chairs in a circle and prepped the little 'fika' afterwards.

The Meeting began with E. reading from the Swedish Faith & Practice:
"Och i stillheten är det som Guds ljus verkar. Då kan man rannsaka sig själv och se var man kommit till korta och vad man bör göra annorlunda. I den stunden är man kanske till en början ensam med sin Gud. Men så småningom vaknar känslan av att runt omkring sitter människor, som på samma sätt bär fram sina bördor och medvetandet om gemenskapen gör att det individuella trycket häves och hela mötet liksom axlar bördorna gemensamt. Bönens språk blir inte längre jag ut vi."
- Elin Sigmers, 1949

Rough translation to English:
"And it is in the stillness that God's light is in effect. In it is an opportunity to examine yourself and see where you might have fallen short and what you sould do differently. In that moment, you are perhaps initially alone with you God. But eventually one realises that around you are people, who carry their own burdens in a similar way, and the awareness of community means that the individual pressure is revoked and the entire meeting shoulders the burdens together. The language of prayer is no longer I, but we."
- Elin Sigmers, 1949

I was somewhat apprehensive about sitting in silence for an hour... I mean when I have one hour left at work it feels like foreeeeverrrr before that hour has come to an end, and at work I've still got stuff to keep me busy. :) Here it was just me, in silence, for an hour...! But it went surprisingly fast... Most of the gathered seems to be deep in prayer/inward conversation with their eyes closed, so I closed mine too and the slow breaths of those around me helped to settle me in the silence. It felt more meditative than prayerful but it was good.

E. ended the hour with a mention of the BBC's radio 3 program 'Quakers Don't Sing' (I heard it myself and thought it was a good program, unfortunately it is no longer available to listened to) and about the creativity that is 'hidden' in the silence (which the program also brought forth) and the importance to taking time for silence and stillness, not just at Meeting.

Then the hour ended with us all joining, and pressing our neighbours, hands in the circle.

The following fika was good to, with interesting conversations of visits to India and Hungary and there were guests present too from down south and a Nepalese girl who'd gotten a full scolarship to a 3½ year program at Copenhagen University and she had been helped by funds from 'my' group to come to Europe. :) Very nice to hear and see. :)

14 people came to worship, of which 3 were Friends (they are usually 4). 2 of the 4 Friends are elderly and there was a little talk about the 'lack' of Friends, not only in 'our' group but generally in Sweden. There are plenty friends of Friends but people seeking membership is low and even if there was an great understanding that one can't be a Friend just to keep the organisation going there was still a wish for more to take the step and join...

I will be going back for sure.

Love&Light,

Do-over time

Tomorrow's do-over-day. :)

Love&Light,

...thank you...

Most of my posts are posted as soon as they are written but lately I've started writing on posts and saving them... 'til they feel 'right' to post... This is one of the ones I've been holding on to for a little while.



~ * ~ * ~ * ~ These words are for you - even if you might never actually read it... At the same time I realise that they are just as much, perhaps more, for me... Things are inevitably coming to an end for us and I need to hold on to gratitude rather than the bitterness that is lurking just round the corner...

I want and need to thank you. The good, the bad and the sad that we've been through together has given me gifts greater than I could have ever imagined. Our journey has been full of blessing, big and small, some obvious and others are still yet to be revealed. The most obvious Gifts we've been given are two healthy, bright, beautiful little people with all their endless possibilities for the future.
Thank you for A and E, for making me a Mother.

Our joint struggles has made things clear to me, what I believe to be Truly Important. With, what I hope to be, a looong Journey ahead of me I now know, or at least have a pretty good idea, of who I am and what I want and need of/in Life.
Thank you for giving me Clarity.

Your own personal struggles and all that I've seen, and still see, that you need - for you, have helped me see what I need for me.
Thank you for helping me Grow.

You say there must have been a Reason for us meeting when, and the way, we did. We were Supposed to Meet and I agree. We just disagree on the reason why... We both still have a long Journey ahead and I believe that Reasons may still reveal themselves to us. Just because we came together in magical circumstances doesn't mean that the magic remains forever... Some people come together for an important moment in time, for that moment, not to stay together forever...
There has been a lot of outward changes in our lives since the day we met, just short of 11 years ago... The biggest change, for me, hasn't the obvious things, it has been what has been going on inside me - all of the lesson's I've learnt, the growing I've done as a wife, mother and human being... All these things have given me Faith, faith that I've in some ways always had but not dared (?) to believe in, never really surrendered to... I now do believe and I am surrendering...
Thank you for giving me the tools to Believe.

With the rain pouring down outside and thunder rolling over us I finish this post with a sense of peace. Our journey together isn't all over, even if our marriage might be. As parents we will need to join forces and make decisions and be there for each other,
we are still a Family.
with love and gratitude,

I speak not of unknown things.

Outside my window... Damp. Misty... Autumnal... :/

Around the house... the usual clean messiness. ;p Our laundry pile is the size of Mount Kilimanjaro but it'll be dealt with promptly. :)

I'm wearing... grey jeans with a blue shortsleeved top, no make up, bangs pinned back out of my face.

I'm reading... random bits and pieces, I'm almost done with Wind In The Willows. I'm reading a lunch room book at work... Not been grabbed by anything lately sooo I'm in a bit of a book limbo at present.

I'm hearing... the TV. Erin's watching Playhouse Disney.

I'm learning... that time flies and that change takes effort.

I'm wondering/thinking… why effort is hard to come by when it comes to certain people. And! Since the effort required is so hard, perhaps change isn't what that certain someone truly wants...

I'm hoping... my time off next week will give me some well needed energy! :)

I'm grateful for... having a very sweet and sympathetic boss who sorted my time off with very short notice and without me feeling like I was a bother. :)

Low note... My meltdown must be the low note of the whole summer... :\

High note... My 9 days off starting Monday that I've got to look forward to! :)

Light...? Aaah... *sigh* it feels like my one word is taunting me. I'm nowhere near any of the 'goals' I set up at the beginning of the year and to be honest it feels like I'm heading further into this sludgy darkess before this year is over... And yeeees...I know it'll all turn out right in the end... Just, right now things sorta sucks...

Ambivalence

Autumn is my favourite time of year! It lacks nothing! Yet...this year I already feel it in the air, at the beginning of August?! ...and...I have this empty feeling in my gut of a summer lost... of memories not made...you know...? :/ I feel...Sad. Lacking. Lonely. Lost. Things that have very little to do with the seasons...! :\

This morning on my way to work I noticed that some leaves of a few bushes and trees were turning yellow (or perhaps were just dried out for the heat we've had?) and it almost brought tears to my eyes...!

Time. Time. Time! This constant...friend and foe of mine! I want to follow where it goes and I want to stay here, for just a moment longer... I want my autumn, but I don't want to let go of summer just yet...!

Meltdown.

:( :( :(
I feel like the crappiest mum ever...! Like all I can do right now is be angry, yell and bark at them - who's fault it isn't...! And rather than stopping it I just get more angry (for being angry) with him, and them... :( 

A few words from him could make things 'alright' again, take the tension out, calm the storm...but those words never come...

I don't wanna be angry, sad and alone anymore.

I am a rare limited edition!

:) :) :)

A friend posted this statement on his facebookstatus the other day and I just loooove it! :D Imagine what Life would be like and how we would treat ourselves and each other if we truly realised that we are all rare limited editions... ♥

And! As you see got inspired to do a polyvore set too! :) (it's been a while!) If you feel inclined you're more than welcome to spread the word and copy the image to go along with a post. :)

Love&Light,

Adele!

Surely you must have heard of Adele?! :) I think this gal's amazing! If you been too busy living life (or hiding under a rock? ;)) rather than vegging in front of  the TV or computer (like me ;p) and you've therefor missed this gorgeous woman's brilliant voice and radiating beauty check out these these videos. :)

Love yourself.

One of my favourite BBW bloggers Thina posted this with a gorgeous image of her beautiful self and I'm inspired! :) It's about making a decision. I want to/will do this too! :) Will you? :)




Self Love & Self Acceptance,

Searching outside or within...

These words (that I found over at Hay Quaker) shook my world a little and squeezed my heart with recognition... They  made me gasp as I read them over and over, holding my breath.

How something (I assume is) written for the 'big arena', with politics and ideology in mind, can fit just as well...eerily well on a much smaller, personal, level too...! *sigh*

'Himself' is my husband in this scenario and I am 'somewhere outside/others'... :/



"Someone who does not draw strength from himself and who is incapable of finding the meaning of his life within himself will...seek the map to his own orientation somewhere outside himself--in some ideology, organization, or society, and then, however active he may appear to be, he is merely waiting, depending. He waits to see what others will do, or what roles they will assign to him, and he depends on them--and if they don't do anything or if they botch things, he succumbs to disillusion, despair, and ultimately, resignation."
- Václav Havel

Got curves?

Girliness²

I've been planning a BestGirlsNightOut with my Best Girl for a while and yesterday was finally The Day! :)

We met up in town (after some train hassle) and started our looong day of "our:ness" with a alright lunch accompanied by ice cold beer. :) :) :) Perfect in this Hot and Clammy weather we've been having. It totally compensated the so-so lunch. :)

We did a bit of strolling and window shopping in town before we went with all our stuff to my mums place, where we were spending the night. My Best Mum had sorted stuff and organised our beds and breakfast and all other things that The Best Mum does. ♥

Me and A got into party mode and gear ;) and then took our beautiful selves to a work mate of A's where more gorgeous girls joined us. Fab time with fab girls! Later on me and A headed back into town where we wanted to get dancing, which we did, with varied success of music/dj's... I've come to the conclusion that we should/would open The Best Club in town if we ever decided to go down that route! ;) :D

After an late night bite we started walking (?!) to mum's place where we arrived 45 minutes later!? :D :D :D We fell asleep and slept well within seconds of our heads hitting the pillow. :) (mum was at big sis's for the night)

This morning we awoke feeling not terribly rough, although I think I was a bit more worse for wear than A (she's had more practise! ;p ) and...then we woke up again! :O :D Both of us had dozed off again and when we woke A had to hurry to get ready to catch her bus back to her husband and their little girls. ♥ No looong morning of reminiscing but still a fantastic time over all! :) Must be done again soooon!! :)

After A's somewhat hurried departure I called my little sis to offer her myself as her personal shopper. :D She's been nagging for a while now about not having anything to wear and I love using her as a dress up doll (to try out all the cute/cool/fun outfits I'd wear if I was a boob-&bootylicious as her! ;)) = a perfect match with difficulties to get our schedules to work...but! Today I had/took the time! :)

We spent (at least!) 3 hours in the department store. First we went round collecting all possible items of clothing that might, or might not, work and then I installed her in the fitting room and gave her my opinions and did the mixing and matching and fetching and finding and finally we ended up with a fantastic combo of skirts and tops and possible outfits of both new and old items that'll last her all summer long and well into the winter! :D I even got to offer my opinion to others in the fitting rooms who admitted to being envious of little sis having her own personal shopper with her. :D Little sis could only agree about the fabulousness of me! ;p  *lol*

Now...I'm happy to be back home again after a weekend with girliness². :) Well needed and deserved by all involved. ♥

Love, Light & Sisterhood,

Long winding road...

"I have walked that long road to freedom.
I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come.
But I can rest only for a moment, for with freedom comes responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended."

- Nelson Mandela, 1995

Let's immediately be clear on one thing. I do not compare my journey to the one of Mr. Mandela's but his words fit my mindset today, which I hope you know is only one version of a two-sided coin. :)

You who have followed me for a while are by now somewhat aware of my ponderings on the what/where/how's of Life... I've tried to put one foot in front of the other, to move forward, yet...somehow I've still managed to linger this state of limbo for reasons yet unknown...

Perhaps I needed some rest, or maybe I needed to get even more ... before I could muster the energy required to actually start inching my way forward again...? Maybe I just needed a little bit more Time to make certain of where I was heading...? Probably all of the above.

What I have come up with is this, that the cliche of it's not you, it's me has some truth to it... At some point it stops being about 'the other' or the 'us' and it ends up being about 'me'...Simply because there can't be an 'us' without, at least two, 'me' and one 'me' cannot care for the other 'me' if he or she is lost...

For sure I know that all the love in the world that you have for that other isn't enough to heal him/her, because that healing has to come from within. My love might sooth and for a while relieve of pain but after some time, sometimes after a long time, it is clear that no amount of love can find the 'me' that is lost and all that the love projected, that in a healthy relationship should have been mirrored back, has been desperately consumed to fill that hole within and has been completely ineffective in the search for Self that only he, on his own, can find. One 'me' can't do the loving an nurturing of two... That's my conclusion...

I've promised to lead by example and I have failed, but I'm going to keep trying, I'm going to find a way, my way...

I'm moving again.

Love&Light,

I speak not of unknown things

Outside my window... Clear summer sky and slowly approaching dusk.

Around the house... Dust, kiddie clothes and toys.

I'm wearing... White tank top and blue jeans.

I'm reading... The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame.

I'm hearing... Cartoon Network on the TV, kiddies snoring away on the sofa where they fell asleep. Yep! That's how my little ones get 'put to bed' the easiest. Easy, no-fuss, no-fighting falling asleep is a winner in this momma's book, whether it happens in their own beds or not! ;)

I'm learning... that waiting doesn't change things, changing changes things.

I'm wondering/thinking… where to find strength needed.

I'm hoping... that strength will be found were I always find it...in my Family. ♥

I'm grateful for... Family, kiddies and gratitude.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

- Melody Beattie

Low note... Well, that'd be last Sunday... :/  I would not be exaggerating if I said that on both a personal and marital level it was the lowest point ever.

High note... Kiddies being kiddies. ♥

Light...? Oh my word...!! I decided this to be a point in my list because...??? I obviously like kicking myself in the teeth and try my own perseverance 'cause... I do...? Why do I feel like I'm left without no other option than having to let go for me to be able to grow...? Why, why can't we grow together...? How do I let go...?

Love, Light & Sweet Dreams,

Still here...

I've just been trying to figure out what to say/post next and I have not come up with anything yet and I really just wanted this first-post-after-wierd-silence to be over and done with, so it's done! :)

Will return soon, perhaps to tell you about last night's Midsummer celebrations...?

Love&Light,

...

Guess it wasn't my time...  :/

Neither feeling love nor light right now,