I had somewhat of a breakdown on Sunday and I 'ran away' from home for the day. Not really having a plan of action after my "escape" I went into town, whilst waiting to hear from a friend I was sure I could hang out with... ♥
I wandered about in our little town for a while, it's a place where all shops in the town center are closed on Sundays
(I love that! :)) and inevitably I passed the
old church and it dawned on me that it was in fact
Sunday. :)
I have a hard time remembering the last time I went to a church service...
Sure, there's been christenings, weddings and funerals but... when was I last at
Mass? Can't remember...!
I
love churches...! :) It's a bit of a strange thing for a
secular 'Christian' like myself but there is
something there, no matter if its a plain little one or a Grand Cathedral. :) I like to walk around and soak up the atmosphere, light a candle or two and just
be...in the stillness.
So...I thought
maybe I should give the church-going a go... :) Maybe it'd lift my broken spirit?
My mind was changed almost as soon as I'd sat myself down in the pew. It was all so
loud...! The choir sang
beautifully and songs of praise give me goosebumps but... I don't know... it's distracting if the point of the service is to be 'prayerful'. And... the whole 'begging for mercy' on my sinful soul just give me the creeps! :\
I do the best I can, with what I have, in that particular situation I'm in... I just...hmm... I don't mean to say I
don't do anything wrong ('cause I
do!
a lot!) but, I
can't believe that begging/praying for mercy and forgivness is what I'm supposed to do with my time...!
I believe that I'm already forgiven. Before I've even made the mistakes I'm about to do... Is that too bold of a thing to say...?? :/ Well, now I've said it! I'm forgiven. I
know this in my heart - without having to beg for it, without the minister telling me that I am...
What I try to do is to be
aware and
learn from mistakes
(sins? whatever is a sin anyways?!) made. But, even if I lived my whole life doing the same mistake over and over and over and over again I would
still be forgiven, without any requests of mercy because it's
enough that I
tried to be a better person...or, perhaps I didn't know any better...and that's good enought too... You know what I mean?
Anyways... :) back to the service... All I could think about was how loud and distracting is all was, how not seeing the
face of the other church-goers, just the back of their heads, was
sad... I wanted to see their faces and I wanted them to see mine. There were a lot of people there but, where they visible? Was there a sense of community...? Maybe there was, but I as an 'outsider' did not see or feel this at all...
I left after 10 minutes...in the middle of another loud hymn... I will be back, just not a time of Service... I'll be back for that something, the peace and stillness where the possibility for being prayerful lies.
(church in the pictures is the actual church mentioned in this post.)
