Breathing

You know... I truly believe that we carry the answers to our questions within. If we just listen hard enough we know which way we should go.
It isn't always easy or what we would have wanted to do yet it is still the path we should walk.

I'm trying to listen to my/the Spirit and it's telling me over and over and over and over again to breathe and settle where I am, in me, on my own... When this is done, that which I need will come to me.

I ache for a companion but I do think I want it "too much" ...it cannot be forced, at least not the kind of companionship I want. I can find a "bed warmer" but is that really what I want and need?? No, no it ain't...!

Sooo...reluctantly I've taken steps towards settling in this, here, now, on my own. I know I have what I need  right here and now - me and the kids, my family and friends.

He who deserves me will come in my path when the time is right.

B R E A T H E

Love&Light,

Church?

I had somewhat of a breakdown on Sunday and I 'ran away' from home for the day. Not really having a plan of action after my "escape" I went into town, whilst waiting to hear from a friend I was sure I could hang out with... ♥

I wandered about in our little town for a while, it's a place where all shops in the town center are closed on Sundays (I love that! :)) and inevitably I passed the old church and it dawned on me that it was in fact Sunday. :)

I have a hard time remembering the last time I went to a church service... Sure, there's been christenings, weddings and funerals but... when was I last at Mass? Can't remember...!

I love churches...! :) It's a bit of a strange thing for a secular 'Christian' like myself but there is something there, no matter if its a plain little one or a Grand Cathedral. :) I like to walk around and soak up the atmosphere, light a candle or two and just be...in the stillness.

So...I thought maybe I should give the church-going a go... :) Maybe it'd lift my broken spirit?

My mind was changed almost as soon as I'd sat myself down in the pew. It was all so loud...! The choir sang beautifully and songs of praise give me goosebumps but... I don't know... it's distracting if the point of the service is to be 'prayerful'. And... the whole 'begging for mercy' on my sinful soul just give me the creeps! :\

I do the best I can, with what I have, in that particular situation I'm in... I just...hmm... I don't mean to say I don't do anything wrong ('cause I do! a lot!) but, I can't believe that begging/praying for mercy and forgivness is what I'm supposed to do with my time...!

I believe that I'm already forgiven. Before I've even made the mistakes I'm about to do... Is that too bold of a thing to say...?? :/ Well, now I've said it! I'm forgiven. I know this in my heart - without having to beg for it, without the minister telling me that I am...

What I try to do is to be aware and learn from mistakes (sins? whatever is a sin anyways?!) made. But, even if I lived my whole life doing the same mistake over and over and over and over again I would still be forgiven, without any requests of mercy because it's enough that I tried to be a better person...or, perhaps I didn't know any better...and that's good enought too... You know what I mean?

Anyways... :) back to the service... All I could think about was how loud and distracting is all was, how not seeing the face of the other church-goers, just the back of their heads, was sad... I wanted to see their faces and I wanted them to see mine. There were a lot of people there but, where they visible? Was there a sense of community...? Maybe there was, but I as an 'outsider' did not see or feel this at all...

I left after 10 minutes...in the middle of another loud hymn... I will be back, just not a time of Service... I'll be back for that something, the peace and stillness where the possibility for being prayerful lies.

(church in the pictures is the actual church mentioned in this post.)

Love&Light,

...

I'm going through, experiencing, a bit of a rough spell at the moment and therefore most of the words that seem to "find me" right now are ones of heart ache, difficulites and sorrow...

Yep...that's where I'm at! ...or "worse" actually... I'm in heart ache limbo, sounds cheesy but feels true, not knowing where things are heading and confused as to what might follow...

Some words are quite dark and grim while others are perhaps more hopeful about lifes adversities - focusing on the nessecity of pain to be able to grow... I tend to go more towards those ones. Although, right here and now my spirit feels quite bruised and battered and my heart is unsure of what to do/feel...

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."
- Friedrich Nietzsche


hoping to give birth to a dancing star...

Did I make a boo-boo...?

Just added "I am not a human being trying to have a spiritual experience. I am a spirit being mastering the human experience." to the top of the blog, just under the header, because I thought it so...interesting. :)
But then with English not being my first language I just got a bit unsure about what exactly the words say... :/

My interpretation is that we are not really human beings trying to have a spiritual experience but in fact spirit beings trying to master the human experience...
Does the word "mastering" say that I'm already a Master at the human-bit of life ('cause that'd be all wrong!) or is it like I think/thought that it is a act of trying to master...??

Does my rambling make any sense...? Is my newly found "good" quote in truth a fat exaggeration?? :/

More than just slightly embarrassed,

Blessing of Solitude

from Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

May you recognize in your life
the presence, power, and light of your soul.
May you realize that you are never alone,
that your soul in its brightness and belonging
connects you intimately with the rhythm of the universe.
May you have respect for your own individuality and difference.
May you realize that the shape of your soul is unique,
that you have a special destiny here,
that behind the facade of your life there is something
beautiful, good, and eternal happening.
May you learn to see yourself with the same
delight, pride and expectation
with which God sees you in every moment.
- John O'Donohue

I've had this "in my keeping" for a while...and I love it because it has the same ring to it as for example the word of Max Ehrmann or Marianne Williamson, and many others...

That I am, we are, able. We need to believe and not try SO hard to be whatever our vision of perfect may be. We are good enough just the way we are...

Desiderata

A while back I, by 'chance' ;) , came across this poem by Max Ehrmann. As a signature on a forum I visit someone had quoted "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." and being a Lover of Words that I am I just had to find out Who had written these Beautiful Words. My search led me to Max Ehrmann and 'Desiderata' and these words are...the Truth! :) ...or at least from the perspective I have on Life and my Journey. ;) Be kind, listen, be (gentle with) yourself, nurture your spirit, Love, don't fear old age or what Life brings you...it's a beautiful world and you deserve happiness...

Me finding Max's words (that's right, we're on first name basis! ;)) led me to recieve more beautiful words by him, this time from my bosom buddy N! ♥
Funny thing about 'Chance' isn't it...it always happens right when you need it...! Hmmm... ;)

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
by Max Ehrmann
The Universe is unfolding as it should,

Praying

I don't pray. :) At least not in any sense of the word that I've experienced... I don't bow my head or clasp my hands, I don't dance, kneel or do spells...

I don't know...it's hard when my spirituality is something that has grown on "it's own" and where I don't have a clear definition on What/Who I believe in. I do believe in the power of positive thinking (both for myself and for others) and I do send many thoughts that think/believe as "charged" - something I guess a more religious person than myself would possibly call praying, but I don't have a specific routine/ritual to go with it. Because surely that's one of the 'requirements' for praying, a ritual of some sort? I 'just' do 'thought-sending'. ;) Anyway... I'm rambling...! :) If it's isn't a nonsense warning it'll be an rambling one! ;)

I wish I could/did pray more, because words mean so much to me and on occasion I come across (or receive! ;)) a prayer that I read over and over again, feeling it, being strengthened by it... Other times I find words that say the things I feel in my heart, that speak the words of my soul and just now I found one of those kinds of prayers so tonight I'll go to bed with my spirit singing these words...

"May all beings everywhere plagued with sufferings of body and mind quickly be freed from their illnesses. May those frightened cease to be afraid, and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power, and may people think of befriending one another."
~ The Buddha

Good night,
Sweet Dreams,
- still not praying...!