Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder... What will it be like when ScabbyHouse is sold, all the tidying and anxiety over what-will-come-next is over, when the kiddies and I have our own place, have settled into our routines...? What then?? Will Life finally catch up with me and knock me off my feet or is there actually such a thing as 'smooth sailing'...?

I'm...I wanna write scared or worried (but I'm not!) ... I'm concerned (?) that there isn't such a place of Peace. That "struggle" is my constant companion... And I don't mean not in a Martyr kind of way but in a I-can't-stop-myself-from-growing kinda way and...

Is there (can there be) Growth 

without some kind of Struggle...?? 

The prospect above is both scary and intriguing. What else is out there...?? Yet, my whole Being is crying out for Peace, smooth sailing...! But.. .if I get to that place of Peace... Will "reality" hit me? Knock me over?? Will I crumble? Be the Needy one...? :\

Pondering,

Why...?!

Why is Life such a trial? Like I'm going through this eternal Test...!

I'm worn, torn, all but broken and then I get a tiny moment to catch my breath and then I'm sucker-punched in the gut and the breaking down starts all over again...!

I keep taking it. I keep coping, managing, inching forward in this effort that is Life (right now, I keep lying to myself)...but I'm really, really, really, really, really, really getting fed up with always coping and managing...not knowing how to give up....! To whomever's in charge and obviously is getting a kick out of this - I'd give up if I knew how to!!!

Angry and Frustrated,

Decisions...

*sigh!*
Alrighty then, once again I'm having this getting-nowhere-conversation with myself.
It's decision time! Now. Preferably yesterday but now will work too...

Where to go? What to do? What are the consequences of doing or not doing? Going or not going? What are my options? How do those options work to my advantage or disadvantage? Do I have other options? Pros and cons them...!? Yes or No? Stay or Go? Maybe going is staying or perhaps staying means going...?? :/

What about maybe...? Or...I don't know...!?

This really, really, really is my least favourite thing about being a grown up. I hate it, I don't wanna!

Yet, I have to decide I have to choose and I know that whatever I choose it will be the right one...the certainty of that fact (and I believe it to be a fact!) doesn't make things any easier though...! Whyyyy is it sooo hard to just make a decision?! Just throw oneself into the 'unknown', people do it all the time about all kinds of stuff! Live a little? :P Nah... *sigh*

Things are hard and could so easily be easy. I keep hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel, for hope to emerge once again yet there's nothing...but wait! Did I see a tiny ray of light?!? ...probably not...or...? No! Yes? ...and here we go again...

At the same time as I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders I feel silly 'cause what are my 'worries' in comparison to others? There is no right or wrong! There's just...being, doing, living. Hurts will heal, wounds will mend, the past will be behind us and the future is ahead. I know what is important and that won't go anywhere, whatever I decide...! So DO, LIVE, BE!
...but...what? where? how...? :\

I don' wanna! *pout*

I really, really, really, really, really don't want to be a 'grown up' right now... :/ I want to leave all my decision-making to be done by my mum so that I can be allowed to have a proper tantrum when I decide that she's made the 'wrong' one...! I don't wanna...!

Why do I have to choose? Why does the decision have to be mine...? I want life to be lighter, not darker and harder...

Why am I being forced to surrender...? I know why, but I don't wanna!! How do I know that my choice is the right one...? How do I live without regret...? I know how...but I don't wanna... :´/