Faith&Practice

This was so awesome I just had to share! :)

26.37
"Religion is living with God. There is no other kind of religion. Living with a Book, living with or by a Rule, being awfully high-principled are not in themselves religion, although many people think they are and that that is all there is to it. Religion has got a bad name through being identified with an outward orderliness. But an outward orderliness can be death, dullness and masochism. Doing your duty may be admirable stoicism; it isn't religion.

To find religion itself you must look inside people and inside yourself. And there, if you find even the tiniest grain of true love, you may be on the right scent. Millions of people have it and don't know what it is that they have. God is their guest, but they haven't the faintest idea that he is in the house. So you mustn't only look where God is confessed and acknowledged. You must look everywhere, to find the real religion. Nor must you look, in others or in yourself, for great spooky visions and revelations. Such visions and revelations come to many, a great deal oftener than we think; and to those to whom they come they are sun, moon and stars. But in most people who know God, and in all such people most of the time, living with God is not an apparition but a wordless and endless sureness. Like the silence of two friends together. Like the silence of lovers.

God is waiting to live like that in every single person in the world."
- Bernard Canter, 1962


I hope your Holy Day(s) have been filled with love, light and joy! Mine's been just that...! :) + work ;p 'cause that's just the way things are. :) Finding gifts is sooo much easier if department stores are opened! ;p

Days have also been 'spiced up' with little E and my littlest niece A getting chicken pox it just in time for Santa's visit on Saturday (yes! that's right, he comes here on xmas eve! how else would he have the time to go round the world? ;)) and hopefully we've seen the worst of it now (and it's been worse than it was for big brother) and that our 'babies' can welcome the New Year pox free! :) *fingers crossed!*

I'm starting to get a little bit nervous about going back to uni, about 2012 in general actually...! I feel miracles bubbling away over the horison...

Love&Light,

♥

It's no secret that I ♥ Paulo Coelho. ;) The inspirational word the comes through this man are awesome. He echos wisdom from eons ago (very similar to my big crush Kahlil Gibran ♥). Mr. Coelho writes obvious Truths so brilliantly it produces goosebumps, it's an Aha!- and But-Of-Course-moment all in one. :)

With that said I obviously ;) follow his blog, twitter and facebook and this morning I read last night's status update,

Love is joy.
Don't convince yourself that suffering is part of it.

!!! :D :D :D What did I just tell you?! :D Smiiiile of recognition at the notion of an obvious Truth. Beauty.

Love&Light,

scatterbrain!

I've missed (?!?) telling you guys that I'm going back to uni in January! :D *yay!*

At the end of last week, just as we got hit by chicken pox, I logged on to antagning.se (international link) to find out if I'd gotten in or not and, I'm in! :) I'm still going for the whole teacher thing (which I took a break from in the spring) but I've changed my mind a little bit and I'm now going to get my degree in pre-school teaching. :)

I'm not really where I thought I'd be, when I took the break in the spring... I was 'hoping' I'd now (almost a year later) would be divorced, have the house sold and have a place of my own, somewhere to start anew with Life...and...I not. None of the above actually but...soon enough??  :\

Looking forward to next year, a new year, with new/old beginnings,

We've got the pox on our house!

...the chicken kind of pox that is. ;p

On Thursday night I found a suspicious looking spot on MisterMan's back which turned out to be the long awaited, harder-than-you-might-think-to-catch chicken pox. He's been a real trooper taking meds for the pain and high fever he's had and been really good at not scratching, even telling his granny how to gently rub his back for him... :)

My mum's looked after the kids during the weekend while I've been at work and little sis was supposed to come mind them today but last night was rough, the itching is no fun right now + he's sore too so even scratching the itch makes him cry. Feeling quite miserable = no-one but mummy will do, :) so I've stayed home from work today.

We've gotten some stuff today to relieve him of the itching and I think it might be working 'cause he fell asleep just after I put it on. :)

So...will Little E get in just in time for xmas or...? ;) Oh well, it's about time they got it and littlest niece is big enough now too to get it so bring it on! ;p Just a bit of a shame that they miss last week of xmas fun in school/nursery - especially Lucia tomorrow which they have been practising and preparing for this past month.. Big sis has promised to prepare some 'lussemys' at her house so they'll still get to dress up and sing some songs and truly make us all feel that xmas is here.. :) :) :)

school kills creativity - ken robinson

A brilliant and creative video/short lecture. For anyone who's near or around kids, parenting, learning, teaching, trying to understand... :) Make sure you hear (and see!) this! :)

I miss learning teaching, teaching learning,

Posting via Ray

OK, so here's me trying to post from my mobile phone! Will it work?! :) Bus ride home sure goes faster with this thing to play with!

I'll try posting a pic too. :)

Excited,

Making new acquaintances...

So... my 'old' (imo nothing from -09 should/could be classed as old!) fancy phone is...gone. It's been unwell for a looong time now but I've been holding on, learn new tricks to keep using it, keeping it alive. But today, finally, I decided enough was enough...I'd been holding on for too long, it was time to let go and face my fears about these clever smartphones or freaky hybrid phoneputerstereo thingies! ;p They're little cyborgs who'll end up taking over the world! ;p :D

Before work I headed into scary mobile phone store, openly admitting to not knowing anything about these clever smartphones. I could have been conned into buying anything but wasn't. :) After much needed help I got a new phone(y?) to take home.

So, here begins the story of me and 'Ray'... We're just getting to know each other but in him lingers my dreams of facebook check-ins, funny tweets and possibly even in-action blog posts! ;) He's managed to tick me off some by loosing a good third of my contact list, which my house troll thinks he might be able to recover from old phones memory (?!). :) Ray's got a fab camera and lots of funny/scary/intriguing apps sooo I might be able to forgive him the mishap with my contact list...

Here he is, my Sony Ericsson Ray. Ain't he purdy?! ;)

Giving Thanks

Wishing all my American friends a

blessed Thanksgiving.

♥ 

Love&Gratitude,




"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
- John F. Kennedy

"Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse."
- Henry Van Dyke

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
- Melody Beattie

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "Thank You", that would suffice."
- Meister Eckhart
 ♥ 

Svartbäcken, part V

Photo sharing time. These are my photos, taken by me with my crappy ol' mobile phone camera. :) If you, for any reason, would want to use my photos, feel free to do so but be kind and link back. ♥

The Meeting room, a newish add on the original buildning.

Lost of windows all around, where you can see the lake in the distance and the woods nearby.

The Meeting room and dining room + f/Friends. :) Folding doors seperate the two rooms if/when needed.

Svartbäcksgården.

Meeting room, diningroom & kitchen to the left. Sleeping quarters to the right. There's also a library/reading room at the back of the buildning.

Back yard. Window to 'my' room furthest one to the left. Doors on the right lead into the library. :)

'My' room. :) Like most (all?) rooms it contains a single bed and a bunk bed. Small wardrobe, desk and chair.

I don't have anything else to say, right now. I'm tired. I'm trying to hold on to the Peace of just last weekend...! Has it not been longer...?

Chaos is... but so it Light and Love and Kindness... ♥

Shattered-pooped,

Svartbäcken, part IV

Saturday continued:
After having our dinner, in silence, we gathered again at 7 to discuss the Quaker way of making decisions (i.e. Meeting for Business (I think!)) and the discussion was very interesting. Lots of questions answered... more questions beginning to grow forth and a huge interest in wanting to learn more...! :)

It was probably around 9ish when we wrapped things up again for the evening, but with thoughts racing in my head it took a while to settle and I guess I was asleep about 11ish.

Sunday:
Breakfast 8 - 9, in silence. :) Afterwards we had some time to get our things packed and room organised.

9.30ish we again gathered for Worship Sharing to round up our experience of the last few days.
What had we come to realise/gained from the Days for Learning?
What, if anything, would/could we leave behind?

My thoughts were (and still are) that I feel that I'm on the Right Path (for me!), whatever that Path might end up being... Quaker or not! :) And, I feel that I'm more...secure, in me, I will (hopefully) trust myself more from now on. I feel I've left (some of all my) Doubt behind and that I've gained Trust...

This is were we 'should' have finished for the weekend, well, after Meeting and lunch that is... :) but we were honoured with the visit of 3 more very experienced Friends so before Meeting we got to quiz them too with whatever questions we might still have unanswered...or...wanted yet another 3 points of view on! ;) :)

Meeting was...good. Words more abundant than perhaps 'usual' but it was still goosebump worthy ministry.

Then, lunch with lots of talking and a feeling of not wanting it all to end...! Yet, I started missing my little folk and it was Time to go, to head home. :) We, same group we were when we came, got into the car and headed south again just after 2 and I was Home at 8...! The journey home always feels longer doesn't it? It was not as chatty as on Friday, yet it was far from silent...more snoring ;) going on maybe but it was a gooood journey home. :)

My head, and yours too probably (!) *blushing*, is sort of spinning from trying to write it all down, reliving and remembering the awsomeness that this weekend was...! :D I feel like I might have missed essential stuff, I had a lovely walk with L.B. and really rewarding chat with J.R. and...probably lots more...!! :)

I'm going to let things chill a little, perhaps air some thoughts with my soul sister... and then I'll be back with some more reflections and photos of this beautiful, somewhat distant, place - now so very close to my heart.

Love&Light,

Experiment with Light, Svartbäcken, part III

Wow, what an amazing, powerful, awesome experience. I was thrilled when we were told that we'd get to do this modern yet perhaps old (?) Quaker experiment. :) 'A guided Light meditation' I think is what J.R. called it... That's what I'd call it too.

Now, I can't remember all the 'steps' so please have that in mind when you read what I've written...

We were in the Silence, told to wait In the Light rather than For the Light... and as soon as those words were spoken something shifted in me. I sensed the Light in a way I haven't before. I struggled to hang on to it when she told us to bring what we stuggle with into the Light but it stayed there, shimmering, growing brighter...

I was In the Light..

'Surrender it to the Light, Trust the Light.' Wow...! Oh. My. Goodness.

I'm hesitate to write what I'm about to... but I know now (perhaps I've always know?) that I have the Answers, the truth...My Truth, in me...In the Light. (!?!) Wow...

An experience, and a knowledge, which left my face wet with tears.

After that session we had some time to ourselves, followed with Worship Sharing and then dinner in well-needed silence. :)

In the Light,

Svartbäcken, part II

Kids got picked up by my little sister on Thursday afternoon, so my 'retreat' began when I came home Thursay night. Packing, sorting, tidying. Smiling... so excited!

Friday:
Woke way too early to make sure I had packed what I needed...I'd stopped packing the previous night as I realised I might have stuff to last me at least a week! :) Cleared it down to the bare minimum (and I could have managed with even less! ;)).

In the midst of packing sorting out cats and house for me going away I decided to colour my hair?! :D :D :D Well, it needed doing but perhaps not right then and there...! :)

At 10:45 I met up with L.B, A and J (who was a surprise appearance, a happy one!) and we got ourselves and our stuff into L.B.'s car and on we went. We talked a lot on the way up, sharing, asking questions, getting new perspective on things - a good journey!

We stopped for lunch at Brahehus and then stopped at Draknyckeln in Järna for a cup of tea before the last long stretch through the horrific afternoon traffic in Stockholm. At about 6ish we finally arrived at the Swedish Quaker retreatcenter, Svartbäcken.

(image: from kvakare.se)

We were warmly greeted by J.R. and her lovely green pea soup and sandwiches. :)

Afterwards we sat in the Meeting room talking about what we wanted to learn and know more about during Saturday. We had LOTS of questions! :D I was very excited to find out we'd get to meet more Friends, some of whom I've been in touch with via e-mail. :) We wrapped things up about 9ish and I had a good talk with J.R. afterwards in the kitchen and I also got to have a nice chat with Alice (Swedens newest Friend, who arrived at Svartbäcken just before 10 and was our cook for the weekend).
Some time after 10 I went to bed with William Penn (Emilia Fogelklou's book on him). ;)

Saturday:
I had offered to help out with prepping breakfast so I was in the kitchen quite early. We'd been informed that to get a bit of a 'retreat-feeling' we'd have some meals (for example breakfast) in silence. It was... lovely to have that stillness at the beginning of the day... No chattering, just soft music in the background and peace. To have time for a beautiful and a breakfast that lacked nothing was... fantastic.

Just after 9 we gathered in the Meeting room, which is just next to the 'dinning room' (I will post pictures later) and we got right down to business! :D J.R. started with the 'easy' stuff, stuff that has an actual and one answer. For example, how the Religious Society of Friends is organised in Sweden and the world. LOTS of acronyms! :) ;) :)
FWCC: SoA, AS, AWP & EMES and QCEA.
...and lets not to forget FCNL, AFSC and QUNO...! ;)
*lol* I'm sure I've forgotten a few of the acronyms and the Committees and Executive Secretaries and General Secretaries mentioned but I feel that I got a good grasp of how the organisation works, which was one of the main things I was interested in finding out more about.

Before lunch another Friend had arrived, making the total 4 so J.R. took advantage of the situation and did a 'interview a Friend'-game. :D We were divided into pairs and we had 10 minutes/Friend to whatever question we were eager to find an (or four!) answers too and the result was cool! :) :) :) There are very few set answers in Quakerism. :)

After lunch there was more talking, learning, sharing. In the midst of all of this there was short, silent, breaks and I love the Worship Sharing we did as well as a way of letting things settle...and to hear what and how things had settled with others. :)

After our afternoon fika-break we got to experience Experiment with Light, which was...beyond words, yet, I'll try and explain my experience of it in my next post. :)

Love&Light,

Svartbäcken, part I

Home again from Days for Learning, or Meeting for Learning, as I think it is called in (Quaker) English. ;) Our little gang (4 peeps) arrived late afternoon on Friday and we headed back home again after lunch on Sunday. An amazing few days, packed with Light, Learning and Friendliness. ;) :D In (as far as what I've gathered to be...) a 'typcial' Quaker manner we were from all over, with roots reaching even futher away, of different ages and experiences... Awesome. :) We were 11 participants all in all, one was Finnish Friend. The Meetings were lead by J.R., a Friend with experience going back through the ages...! ;) :D :) We were also visited by a handful of Friends throughout the days, which was good to get different points of views on our questions. :)

I've got a lot to share and I will in the next few posts. :)

To begin with you can see our approximate travel route below. We had company who came from Gothenburg, i.e. further away than starting point, and we made a few stops along the way up to the retreat (which is slightly off the end destination on the map). :)

Stay tuned for more, photos and my experience of Experiment with Light...! :)

Love&Light,

Being back2front?

I should so be in bed right now but I had another 'revelation' tonight that I just had to write it down however tired and muddled it might sound... Tomorrow I might not remember my thoughts...

Things that are 'easy' I make difficult for myself by feeling not good enough, guilty and by being too hard on myself.. The hard stuff on the other hand I shrugg my shoulders at, I 'make' them easier than they actually are, I cope, I manage... no guilt, no putting myself down or doubting my capabilities.

Is that, or isn't it, the right way round...? Should the easy really be hard and the hard, easy...? Is that the recipe for 'success'? ...or for disaster...?

I'm not yet sure what I think about it all more than that I had the thought... hmm..

Love&Light,

Stop questioning

Hay Quaker does it again. The right quote at the right time...

Love&Light,

"I want to taste and glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love."

- Sylvia Plath

Becoming Quaker?

Today after Meeting, at the home of two Friends, we introduced ourselves to the group and a woman who's been a Friend for a year said: ...I've been a Member for about a year but when people ask me how long I've been a Quaker I answer - All my life.

It gave me goose-bumps! :)

I couldn't just let it pass so later in the conversation turned I again to the woman and said to her how beautiful I had found her words to be... :) L.B. then said that it's not uncommon that feeling - that one doesn't become a Quaker, you are one.

More goose-bumps! :)

At this Meeting there were also two young children (not yet 2 and 3½ years old) present and it was sooo amazing to see how they too managed to be still and silent:ish ;) for the whole hour!? :) :) :) Amazing. :) Their presence added another...dimension to Meeting, to have the sound of little people there - who are truly in the Present in the Here and Now and therefore a fantastic help (at least to me) to do/be the same.

I still feel like I'm figuring out my 'way to worship', and feeling satisfied as long as I manage to turn of the every-day-life-chattering in my head. The whole 'listening within'-thing isn't really (but possibly?) happening just yet... Taking my time... :)

Other things/news Quaker...! :D I'm going to participate in Days for learning (is what I think it might be called in English) in November. Three(:ish) days of learning about Quaker faith and practice - I'm so excited! :) It's at a Quaker retreat up north, about a 6 hour drive (or for me ride!) away. We (L.B, A. and I) are heading there on Friday morning and we'll be back home again on Sunday evening... Very much looking forward to it! :)

Love&Light,

Always coping...

Is that a bad thing...? I think it is and it isn't... Just like with me being 'too kind'... It's a good thing...and it isn't...

I'm trying, I want to surrender...to trust that things are going just the way they're supposed to...just like I believe that they are...! (not sure if that made any sense to anyone else but me!)

What I mean is... I know things are going, happening, occuring for a reason, a purpose bigger than myself and they are not always (rarely?) about me but about being a part of this 'web of life' (sounds a bit cheesy but I can't find a better word right now) that we're all a part of. I believe in a sort of ripple effect...that every action has a reaction - cause and effect - falling, stumbling, hurting to learn, grow, evolve... know what I mean??

The Source and Aim for all of this is always Compassion! Never ever being about pointless torture to the amusement of... God(s) (or whatya'ma'callit) - even if I too admit to feeling unfairly stomped on at (current) times...

I know this, yet I struggle with trusting it.

I want to learn how to trust...

In the Light?


This was sooo not the post I had imagined writing...!

Gratitude...

This made me cry. This isn't just another day...

Breaking...

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."

- Ernest Hemingway

Hoping I am one of the 'many'...

Absent...

...in blog, mind and soul...

I'm fumbling in the darkness again, decisions needing to be made. Again. Loads of 'whatif's and no-one to give me answers...

I know, know, I know that I'll be alright, that things will fall into place, that there is a point and purpose for all of this and once I'm out on the other side I'll see things clearer.. But! It fecking SUCKS being stuck in this angry, angry, lonely place when all I want and wish for is to not be so angry...not feel so alone..

I try to hear, to feel, the answers inside - I know they're there but...I also know that there is not absolute Right or Wrong...things are what they are - it is how it is... Whatever I decide it'll be Right...we choose and decide to the best of our ability in the time and place that we're in at the particular time and place... When a decision has been made it is Right... Right for the journey we need to make...for what's ahead. And, it is that gut-feeling we have to follow...for us... 'cause we can only choose for ourselves - not for anyone else (except perhaps our children - who will hopefully know/learn we did the best we could with what we had at hand)...

Aha...!

I 'came up' with a 'new' motto/philosophy the other day and I've not been able to let it go. No matter which way I twist and turn it, it stays true...

Det är som det är, för att det är som det är.

Translated into English it goes something sorta like this;
It is what it is, because it is what it is...

Meaning...that the situation one is in is due to surrounding circumstances - the house is a mess, because I wasn't home to tidy or too busy or out having fun or not giving a damn or one is tired because one didn't get enough sleep or the kids are being a pain in the side because they aren't getting enough attention... etc. and so on.

It is what it is, because it is what it is.

...and for things/'it' to not be what 'it' is we need to change the other it's. Make sense??? Or...perhaps this is yet another one of my not-so-sensible ramblings?! ;)

In the Light (?),

Why...?!

Why is Life such a trial? Like I'm going through this eternal Test...!

I'm worn, torn, all but broken and then I get a tiny moment to catch my breath and then I'm sucker-punched in the gut and the breaking down starts all over again...!

I keep taking it. I keep coping, managing, inching forward in this effort that is Life (right now, I keep lying to myself)...but I'm really, really, really, really, really, really getting fed up with always coping and managing...not knowing how to give up....! To whomever's in charge and obviously is getting a kick out of this - I'd give up if I knew how to!!!

Angry and Frustrated,

Happy 1st anniversary!

I want to wish Hay Quaker Blog a Very Happy 1st Anniversary with a big Thank You! :)
...for doing that thing with words that is soooo awesome...! :) The 'magic' that happens - the right words at the right time, the lifting and encouragement and hope that words can bring. Thank you, for posting things that has made me re-think and re-evaluate my own thoughts or confirm ideas that I've not yet settled into... :)

Thank you for a GREAT blog!

Love&Light,

Article from The Guardian.

I just read this on The Guardian on Facebook and I thought it interesting...and share-worthy. Your thoughts?


The Quakers: a religion Richard Dawkins could sign up to
Anne Karpf · 28/09/2011 · guardian.co.uk

In party conference season, I'm too long in the tooth to expect fresh thinking from political leaders or political gurus, but maybe we're looking in the wrong place.

Newspaper ads and posters over the next 10 days will feature attractive people involved in conflict-resolution, nuclear disarmament and campaigns against the arms trade. Though they look like activists from some radical pressure group, they are actually all members of a religion – the Quakers: a religion singularly unafraid to take up radical political positions.

Indeed, Quakerism is more like a political movement or even party – a kind of wish-the-Labour-party-were-like-this party. Quakers played a prominent role in the abolition of slavery; were instrumental in setting up Amnesty, Greenpeace and the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament; and for the past two years have campaigned for same-sex marriage.

They train people in non-violent direct action and have been particularly active in the Middle East; earlier this year Quakers voted to boycott goods from Israeli settlements on the West Bank. They also co-ordinate in the UK the Ecumenical Accompaniment Programme in Palestine and Israel, training volunteers to monitor checkpoints and to accompany Palestinians to school and work. At a time when most politicians and political parties seem to have one eye permanently trained on the Daily Mail, it is astounding to find such an unapologetic embrace of so many different progressive ideas in one body.

It's hard to imagine another religion having (or wanting) to promote itself through an activist advertising campaign – to run during Quaker Week, which begins on Saturday and ends on 9 October. One reason for doing so is to challenge the taint of the past that clings so tenaciously to Quakers: painting them as old-fashioned puritans wearing broad-brimmed hats who have something to do with porridge. Or – since they don't (supposedly) smoke, drink or swear – as a kind of Amish also good at selling chocolate.

While Quakerism would make for an unusual political party, it's also (pretty much for the same reasons) an odd religion – one without priests, hierarchy, creed, sacraments, catechism, scripture, liturgy or dogma. Though it's based on a personal relationship with God, many Quakers are reluctant to even utter the G-word without qualifying it. Christian by roots, nowadays they can accommodate pantheists, and even non-theists too.

Indeed a Quaker would sooner not believe in God than in pacificism. Why, this is a religion that surely even Richard Dawkins could sign up to. Especially since even "birthright" Quakers have to decide, at 16 or thereabouts, whether to become "Quakers by convincement" (Quakers are fond of their archaisms) – hence none of the indoctrination that so irks Dawkins. If Quakers had a church (they emphatically don't) then it would certainly be a broad one.

Yet probably the main reason that Quakerism, though essentially a small movement (around 23,000 members in the UK), remains such an interesting phenomenon is its holistic scope. It's rare to find a movement prepared to point out, for instance, that economic structures contribute to personal problems like self-harm and domestic abuse; or to critique consumerism without blaming the consumer; or to see ethics and economics inhabiting the same moral universe ("Quakernomics").

I'm not a Quaker, but I was taken to a Quaker meeting house by a family friend as a child, and what a religious innovation that turned out to be – especially the communal silence. In a noisy world the "gathered stillness" is powerful indeed – and is itself a form of collective worship, according to Tony Stoller, editor of The Friends Quarterly.

Today, sitting alongside cynicism about religion and politics, there is an almost palpable yearning for a space where ethics and politics, environmentalism and spirituality, come together. Quakerism, with its active social engagement, and its injunctions (or 'testimonies') to "try to live simply" and "step lightly on the earth", seems to provide one such example.

Church?

I had somewhat of a breakdown on Sunday and I 'ran away' from home for the day. Not really having a plan of action after my "escape" I went into town, whilst waiting to hear from a friend I was sure I could hang out with... ♥

I wandered about in our little town for a while, it's a place where all shops in the town center are closed on Sundays (I love that! :)) and inevitably I passed the old church and it dawned on me that it was in fact Sunday. :)

I have a hard time remembering the last time I went to a church service... Sure, there's been christenings, weddings and funerals but... when was I last at Mass? Can't remember...!

I love churches...! :) It's a bit of a strange thing for a secular 'Christian' like myself but there is something there, no matter if its a plain little one or a Grand Cathedral. :) I like to walk around and soak up the atmosphere, light a candle or two and just be...in the stillness.

So...I thought maybe I should give the church-going a go... :) Maybe it'd lift my broken spirit?

My mind was changed almost as soon as I'd sat myself down in the pew. It was all so loud...! The choir sang beautifully and songs of praise give me goosebumps but... I don't know... it's distracting if the point of the service is to be 'prayerful'. And... the whole 'begging for mercy' on my sinful soul just give me the creeps! :\

I do the best I can, with what I have, in that particular situation I'm in... I just...hmm... I don't mean to say I don't do anything wrong ('cause I do! a lot!) but, I can't believe that begging/praying for mercy and forgivness is what I'm supposed to do with my time...!

I believe that I'm already forgiven. Before I've even made the mistakes I'm about to do... Is that too bold of a thing to say...?? :/ Well, now I've said it! I'm forgiven. I know this in my heart - without having to beg for it, without the minister telling me that I am...

What I try to do is to be aware and learn from mistakes (sins? whatever is a sin anyways?!) made. But, even if I lived my whole life doing the same mistake over and over and over and over again I would still be forgiven, without any requests of mercy because it's enough that I tried to be a better person...or, perhaps I didn't know any better...and that's good enought too... You know what I mean?

Anyways... :) back to the service... All I could think about was how loud and distracting is all was, how not seeing the face of the other church-goers, just the back of their heads, was sad... I wanted to see their faces and I wanted them to see mine. There were a lot of people there but, where they visible? Was there a sense of community...? Maybe there was, but I as an 'outsider' did not see or feel this at all...

I left after 10 minutes...in the middle of another loud hymn... I will be back, just not a time of Service... I'll be back for that something, the peace and stillness where the possibility for being prayerful lies.

(church in the pictures is the actual church mentioned in this post.)

Love&Light,

Women Who Roar

I just read this article by Shelby Sledge , Women Who Roar - 10 ways to be a lioness and change the world , on beliefnet.com and I got goosebumps! :)

The king of the jungle always gets the attention. But shouldn't we spend some time looking at the power behind the throne, the queen of the jungle? Lisa Bevere, author of "Lioness Arising: Wake Up and Change Your World" believes we should. Women are like the lioness. They are powerful, strong and nurturing. Remember: You are stunning. You were born for this moment. Don't be afraid of your strength, questions, or insights. Awaken, rise up and dare to realize all you were created to be.

The Lioness is a good mother.
A lioness will not endanger another lioness's cub any more than she'd endanger her own. As women, we should be committed to putting distance between all Earth's children and whatever endangers them or threatens them. It is not enough to be concerned with our own children. Every child deserves an equal chance of survival. Every child needs to be protected, nurtured, trained and provided for.

A Lioness is a strong and powerful creature.
The Lioness is at ease with her strength, at rest with her power They are powerful hunters, but spend much of their time in rest and play. Women are the same. If we limit ourselves with our fear of our own might, we forfeit our strength and beauty. When we stop struggling in our own ability, our true strength is revealed. Embrace your strength! Do not mistake meekness for weakness! It is tempered strength and controlled might!

The Lioness sets aside former limitations.

Lionesses often fail when they first learn to hunt, but that doesn't mean they never hunt again. Hardship is a catalyst for improvement. You may fail at your first attempts to develop strength, but this is part of the learning process. Accept your failures as stepping stones to your strength and future successes.

The Lioness helps those who falter.
A lioness will bring meat to a lion that is afraid to venture into the wilderness himself. Women should also reach out to those who need help. Turning back or waiting for others may slow you down, but only at first. The deliberate extension of goodness, generosity and wisdom always wins out in the end.

The Lioness hunts with other lionesses.
Lionesses are the only big cats that hunt in concerted groups. They also groom each other after the hunt. Women must help each other keep our lives clean. We speak into one another's lives and invite others to give their input as well. Together, we laugh, cry, pray and confess fears, sins and weaknesses. Sometimes we disagree but that doesn't mean we disband. Just as lionesses hunt together, without competition and without breaking rank, no woman's portion or contribution is more significant than another's. Each woman has her own skill set that contributes to a valued whole.

The Lioness is stunning.
A lioness is a beautiful creature. They move with purpose, aware that the survival of their pride depends on their legacy of skill and strength. Women of every shape, size and color are as stunning, wild and fierce as the lioness. There is incredible beauty in the strength of a woman. You are capable of incredible things. Recognize this and revel in it!

The Lioness has prowess.
Lionesses are the height of hunting prowess. Their ability to provide for their pride is unmatched. Like the lioness, women too have prowess. There is exceptional ability, strength or valor waiting to be developed in every woman's life. You may not know or do everything, but what you do know, you chose to do well!

The Lioness hunts in the dark.
A lioness has the ability to see in the dark. She can take the smallest point of light and transform it into sight. Women too should take the smallest points of light and hope and transform them into sight. There are desperate people all over the world who are trapped in the darkness, waiting for someone to bring hope into their lives. There is power in the realization of a connection, that we are not alone in our struggles. So reach out to those around you with darkness in their lives and offer them hope, love and light!

The Lioness lives in the light.When a lioness isn't hunting, she has no reason to move about in the shadows. She conducts her life in the open, sun-filled expanses of Africa. She feels no shame and no need to hide. Like the lioness, women must live their lives in the open with a light-filled heart. You alone have the power to open your life to sunlight and live without fear or shame.

Lionesses roar.
When the cubs are threatened, lionesses will roar as a group in a fearless proclamation of protection. Women must also be a voice for the voiceless. We must learn to live what is within us out loud. All the intangibles of faith, hope and love become tangible within individuals, and are expressed in our unified response to the world's needs. Our roar will be the collective expression of hope and love to everyone around us and to all those who need us.

Adapted from "Lioness Arising: Wake Up and Change Your World" by Lisa Bevere. Lisa is the bestselling author of 15 books. She is also the co-host of the television program "The Messenger," which airs in more than 200 countries. For more information, please visit www.MessengerInternational.org and http://www.pearlalliance.org/.

It is OK to feel...

Fuck cancer.

My first Meeting for Worship

Quakers aren't a very big group in Sweden, roughly a 100ish members. Getting to meetings is somewhat of a 'project' (and I still fairly close to one). The group closest to me only meet for worship once a month (not weekly, which I've gathered to be the norm), first Sunday of the month,  and they also have a break over the summer. Yesterday was the first Meeting for Worship after the summer break and I had decided that this one would be my first. Wasn't going to miss it for anything and, I didn't! :)

On Thursday I got an email from a Friend I've been in contact with where he mentioned that the meeting was up and running again and that L.B. from my town usually makes the trip to the next city for worship and that a lift could probably be organised if I got in touch with him. I did that, mostly to get some company for the journey as I was a little bit nervous and I thought a chat before the meeting would ease my nerves a bit.

L.B. picked me up and we had a good chat on our way, where we also picked up Friend E. and then helped her set the meeting up. :)

We set up chairs in a circle and prepped the little 'fika' afterwards.

The Meeting began with E. reading from the Swedish Faith & Practice:
"Och i stillheten är det som Guds ljus verkar. Då kan man rannsaka sig själv och se var man kommit till korta och vad man bör göra annorlunda. I den stunden är man kanske till en början ensam med sin Gud. Men så småningom vaknar känslan av att runt omkring sitter människor, som på samma sätt bär fram sina bördor och medvetandet om gemenskapen gör att det individuella trycket häves och hela mötet liksom axlar bördorna gemensamt. Bönens språk blir inte längre jag ut vi."
- Elin Sigmers, 1949

Rough translation to English:
"And it is in the stillness that God's light is in effect. In it is an opportunity to examine yourself and see where you might have fallen short and what you sould do differently. In that moment, you are perhaps initially alone with you God. But eventually one realises that around you are people, who carry their own burdens in a similar way, and the awareness of community means that the individual pressure is revoked and the entire meeting shoulders the burdens together. The language of prayer is no longer I, but we."
- Elin Sigmers, 1949

I was somewhat apprehensive about sitting in silence for an hour... I mean when I have one hour left at work it feels like foreeeeverrrr before that hour has come to an end, and at work I've still got stuff to keep me busy. :) Here it was just me, in silence, for an hour...! But it went surprisingly fast... Most of the gathered seems to be deep in prayer/inward conversation with their eyes closed, so I closed mine too and the slow breaths of those around me helped to settle me in the silence. It felt more meditative than prayerful but it was good.

E. ended the hour with a mention of the BBC's radio 3 program 'Quakers Don't Sing' (I heard it myself and thought it was a good program, unfortunately it is no longer available to listened to) and about the creativity that is 'hidden' in the silence (which the program also brought forth) and the importance to taking time for silence and stillness, not just at Meeting.

Then the hour ended with us all joining, and pressing our neighbours, hands in the circle.

The following fika was good to, with interesting conversations of visits to India and Hungary and there were guests present too from down south and a Nepalese girl who'd gotten a full scolarship to a 3½ year program at Copenhagen University and she had been helped by funds from 'my' group to come to Europe. :) Very nice to hear and see. :)

14 people came to worship, of which 3 were Friends (they are usually 4). 2 of the 4 Friends are elderly and there was a little talk about the 'lack' of Friends, not only in 'our' group but generally in Sweden. There are plenty friends of Friends but people seeking membership is low and even if there was an great understanding that one can't be a Friend just to keep the organisation going there was still a wish for more to take the step and join...

I will be going back for sure.

Love&Light,

Do-over time

Tomorrow's do-over-day. :)

Love&Light,

Eid Mubarak!

May Allah bless you and your loved ones with happiness and grace your home with warmth and peace.
Love&Light,

...thank you...

Most of my posts are posted as soon as they are written but lately I've started writing on posts and saving them... 'til they feel 'right' to post... This is one of the ones I've been holding on to for a little while.



~ * ~ * ~ * ~ These words are for you - even if you might never actually read it... At the same time I realise that they are just as much, perhaps more, for me... Things are inevitably coming to an end for us and I need to hold on to gratitude rather than the bitterness that is lurking just round the corner...

I want and need to thank you. The good, the bad and the sad that we've been through together has given me gifts greater than I could have ever imagined. Our journey has been full of blessing, big and small, some obvious and others are still yet to be revealed. The most obvious Gifts we've been given are two healthy, bright, beautiful little people with all their endless possibilities for the future.
Thank you for A and E, for making me a Mother.

Our joint struggles has made things clear to me, what I believe to be Truly Important. With, what I hope to be, a looong Journey ahead of me I now know, or at least have a pretty good idea, of who I am and what I want and need of/in Life.
Thank you for giving me Clarity.

Your own personal struggles and all that I've seen, and still see, that you need - for you, have helped me see what I need for me.
Thank you for helping me Grow.

You say there must have been a Reason for us meeting when, and the way, we did. We were Supposed to Meet and I agree. We just disagree on the reason why... We both still have a long Journey ahead and I believe that Reasons may still reveal themselves to us. Just because we came together in magical circumstances doesn't mean that the magic remains forever... Some people come together for an important moment in time, for that moment, not to stay together forever...
There has been a lot of outward changes in our lives since the day we met, just short of 11 years ago... The biggest change, for me, hasn't the obvious things, it has been what has been going on inside me - all of the lesson's I've learnt, the growing I've done as a wife, mother and human being... All these things have given me Faith, faith that I've in some ways always had but not dared (?) to believe in, never really surrendered to... I now do believe and I am surrendering...
Thank you for giving me the tools to Believe.

With the rain pouring down outside and thunder rolling over us I finish this post with a sense of peace. Our journey together isn't all over, even if our marriage might be. As parents we will need to join forces and make decisions and be there for each other,
we are still a Family.
with love and gratitude,

I speak not of unknown things.

Outside my window... Damp. Misty... Autumnal... :/

Around the house... the usual clean messiness. ;p Our laundry pile is the size of Mount Kilimanjaro but it'll be dealt with promptly. :)

I'm wearing... grey jeans with a blue shortsleeved top, no make up, bangs pinned back out of my face.

I'm reading... random bits and pieces, I'm almost done with Wind In The Willows. I'm reading a lunch room book at work... Not been grabbed by anything lately sooo I'm in a bit of a book limbo at present.

I'm hearing... the TV. Erin's watching Playhouse Disney.

I'm learning... that time flies and that change takes effort.

I'm wondering/thinking… why effort is hard to come by when it comes to certain people. And! Since the effort required is so hard, perhaps change isn't what that certain someone truly wants...

I'm hoping... my time off next week will give me some well needed energy! :)

I'm grateful for... having a very sweet and sympathetic boss who sorted my time off with very short notice and without me feeling like I was a bother. :)

Low note... My meltdown must be the low note of the whole summer... :\

High note... My 9 days off starting Monday that I've got to look forward to! :)

Light...? Aaah... *sigh* it feels like my one word is taunting me. I'm nowhere near any of the 'goals' I set up at the beginning of the year and to be honest it feels like I'm heading further into this sludgy darkess before this year is over... And yeeees...I know it'll all turn out right in the end... Just, right now things sorta sucks...