Long winding road...

"I have walked that long road to freedom.
I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come.
But I can rest only for a moment, for with freedom comes responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended."

- Nelson Mandela, 1995

Let's immediately be clear on one thing. I do not compare my journey to the one of Mr. Mandela's but his words fit my mindset today, which I hope you know is only one version of a two-sided coin. :)

You who have followed me for a while are by now somewhat aware of my ponderings on the what/where/how's of Life... I've tried to put one foot in front of the other, to move forward, yet...somehow I've still managed to linger this state of limbo for reasons yet unknown...

Perhaps I needed some rest, or maybe I needed to get even more ... before I could muster the energy required to actually start inching my way forward again...? Maybe I just needed a little bit more Time to make certain of where I was heading...? Probably all of the above.

What I have come up with is this, that the cliche of it's not you, it's me has some truth to it... At some point it stops being about 'the other' or the 'us' and it ends up being about 'me'...Simply because there can't be an 'us' without, at least two, 'me' and one 'me' cannot care for the other 'me' if he or she is lost...

For sure I know that all the love in the world that you have for that other isn't enough to heal him/her, because that healing has to come from within. My love might sooth and for a while relieve of pain but after some time, sometimes after a long time, it is clear that no amount of love can find the 'me' that is lost and all that the love projected, that in a healthy relationship should have been mirrored back, has been desperately consumed to fill that hole within and has been completely ineffective in the search for Self that only he, on his own, can find. One 'me' can't do the loving an nurturing of two... That's my conclusion...

I've promised to lead by example and I have failed, but I'm going to keep trying, I'm going to find a way, my way...

I'm moving again.

Love&Light,

The Fullness of Peace

"Send me the love which is cool and pure like Your rain that blesses the thirsty earth and fills the homely earthen jars.

Send me the love that would soak down into the center of being, and from there would spread like the unseen sap through the branching tree of life, giving birth to fruits and flowers.

Send me the love that keeps the heart still with the fullness of peace."

-  রবীন্দ্রনাথ ঠাকুর
Rabindranath Tagore

I speak not of unknown things

Outside my window... Clear summer sky and slowly approaching dusk.

Around the house... Dust, kiddie clothes and toys.

I'm wearing... White tank top and blue jeans.

I'm reading... The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame.

I'm hearing... Cartoon Network on the TV, kiddies snoring away on the sofa where they fell asleep. Yep! That's how my little ones get 'put to bed' the easiest. Easy, no-fuss, no-fighting falling asleep is a winner in this momma's book, whether it happens in their own beds or not! ;)

I'm learning... that waiting doesn't change things, changing changes things.

I'm wondering/thinking… where to find strength needed.

I'm hoping... that strength will be found were I always find it...in my Family. ♥

I'm grateful for... Family, kiddies and gratitude.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

- Melody Beattie

Low note... Well, that'd be last Sunday... :/  I would not be exaggerating if I said that on both a personal and marital level it was the lowest point ever.

High note... Kiddies being kiddies. ♥

Light...? Oh my word...!! I decided this to be a point in my list because...??? I obviously like kicking myself in the teeth and try my own perseverance 'cause... I do...? Why do I feel like I'm left without no other option than having to let go for me to be able to grow...? Why, why can't we grow together...? How do I let go...?

Love, Light & Sweet Dreams,

Still here...

I've just been trying to figure out what to say/post next and I have not come up with anything yet and I really just wanted this first-post-after-wierd-silence to be over and done with, so it's done! :)

Will return soon, perhaps to tell you about last night's Midsummer celebrations...?

Love&Light,

...

Guess it wasn't my time...  :/

Neither feeling love nor light right now,

Jitterbugs

I hope I didn't totally bum you out with my last post...! Feeling lighter now. I do think a good cry is good...

Now I should be heading to bed. I've got an early:ish start tomorrow morning, even if it is a day off work. I'm going to my very first Meeting tomorrow and I'm a wee bit nervous about it, excited too..but...mostly sort of nervous...but in a good way! :)

I mean, it might all have felt right in my heart 'in theory' - so to speak, but it isn't (surely?) the same as when it is experienced in real life, with real people, in a real context...(?) :) So...I'm feeling just a tad bit jittery about tomorrow Meeting. I'm sure it will be a good experience whether theory and practice are a match, or not. :)

Now I'm off to bed! Sweet dreams.

Love&Light,

Therapeutic torture?

I've got this 'thing' I do... and it's either 'healthy' or somewhat loony, perhaps a bit of both...? ;p

Like most people I've got play lists with music in categories like 'Chill Out', 'Party' and such. I've also got one called 'Sad' which is full of all these different (mostly love) tunes which are rip-my-heart-out-sad and...once in a while (more often in the last year(s) than I like to admit) I put those songs on and sing and cry my heart out for all that was, all that could/should have been and all that might (or might not) happen... The song might hold some truth or not, some of the songs are completely different from my own sadness but if it's somewhat sad or even a little bit heart warming in the 'right' (wrong?) way I'll cry...

Self torture or self therapy? I don't know...but all I know is it needs to come out or I might literally explode... :/

Mariposa

I've sent my butterfly in solidarity with girls and women in Nicaragua. Have you? http://t.co/g5DbpjV

Love&Light,

In pain but OK

Ever since going back to work my back's been bothering me...or my shoulder blade has. I'm obviously doing something not right...or...something's not right at work. So, I've been in some pain...I still am. Got drugs from the doc yesterday and I'm hoping a course of pain meds will make me OK again...? :)

I'm trying to stay of the computer and move about doing less static activities but... :D it's not easy. ;p Last year during April I logged out of everything but blogger, which I also limited to an hour/day, feels like something like that might be needed again...?

I read an article the other day about a family who'd not been 'online' for 6 months. The mother had wrote a book about the experience The Winter of Our Disconnect: How One Family Pulled the Plug on Their Technology and Lived to Tell/Text/Tweet the Tale. ;) An intriguing idea and I can imagine a healthy experience for most of us... I think finding the balance between between online/offline is sometimes hard. The connectedness of the WorldWideWeb is an awesome experience, I've learnt SO much and 'met' ;) some of the Most Amazing People thanks to it...so I'm not wishing a complete disconnect, I think it'd be too great of a loss of information and friendship...but...I do wish I could be better with the limitations of the time I/we spend 'plugged in'... Hmmm... Most definitely it is something to keep working at...! :)

What else...? (since I am still connected ;)) I'm feeling...good... despite the irritating, annoying and frustrating pain...I feel OK. Again...in me... but...I'm hoping it will soon spread to other parts of my Life.

Now I better get a move on. Mum and Little Sis are coming for a visit.

Love&Light,

Tweet Tweet!?

~*Gumbo Soul*~ posted that she's gotten herself a twitter and I've had a dormant one (in my irl name) for a while but got (overly? ;)) excited about finally getting a grip on this tweeting thing. :) So I got myself a new twitter account! :D

Click the blue birdy above to go to my twitter and, as  ~*Gumbo Soul*~ wrote, follow and I'll follow you. :)

If you know my irl name (SurnameFirstname) you can follow that one too! :) ;) :)

Love&Light,

God is with you everywhere...

Hay Quaker posted this on his food-for-thought blog and Oh My Word if it wasn't just that! Goose bumps and I-have-to-share moment! :)

"Your surroundings don't matter. God is with you everywhere..." :) :) :)

Love&Light,

"Some people prefer solitude. They say their peace of mind depends on this. Others say they would be better off in church.

If you do well, you do well wherever you are. If you fail, you fail wherever you are. Your surroundings don't matter. God is with you everywhere -- in the market place as well as in seclusion or in the church.

If you look for nothing but God, nothing or no one can disturb you.

God is not distracted by a multitude of things. Nor can we be."

- Meister Eckhart

Sarah Dawn Finer - For A Friend

I love this song. It just makes my tears well up every time. :´) I don't know if its intended but I hear double meaning in the song. It is not only about a friend comforting another but the Spirit/God(s) asking for Faith... You hear it too? :)

This song has also been covered in a take your breath away beautiful love song in Swedish.

Love&Light,

Quaker...?

I've never been a person of One Faith. I am a member of the Lutheran Church of Sweden, I'm christened, confirmed and married in the secular way most Swedes are. Because it's what you do kinda thing. I've never had any problems or issues about being a somewhat fake Christian... I don't necessarily disagree with the Christian faith, I just like too much of other faiths to feel that it's right for me to claim to be a Christian. I've never truly felt a part of any religion, because my own personal mismatch faith. I belong nowhere and everywhere...

Husband was raised with Methodist parents and he was quite involved in the churchy stuff growing up but I guess he 'grew out of it' when he had some independence after leaving his mothers home. He went down the Pagan path, where I think he still sort of is...he's just got too much other issues to deal with right now and has therefor, unfortunately in my opinion, let his spirituality 'rest'...

We did however agree when we became parents to let our children freely choose which Path to follow and we decided not to do the 'because it's what you do'-christening that is so often done. We celebrated their arrival with a party but left them free to choose when and into what, if any, faith they're to be baptized into. :)

I'm straying away from my 'post point'...! ;) Back to me and my beliefs... I've always believed in kindness/compassion (lets be friend, lets not fight, kindness begets kindness, how does 'the other' feel/perceive this situation) and equality/solidarity (people are people are people, I'm no better than anyone else and neither are they, we're the same and if we all could see that we'd all be better off.)

My 'religion' has seemed more like some kind of political statement than a faith but...to me it's been both. Because, I feel that there is something more, guiding me/us... You know that gut feeling, our conscience...(?) That feeling of right and wrong that we're all born with which certainly can be destroyed by our upbringing and/or other horrible circumstances, but even a small child knows when s/he's done 'wrong'...or is being done wrong by. We all have a bit of the Divine in us and it can't be lost...no matter how lost you feel.

Recently, thanks to Cora, and her (re)searching I was 'introduced' to the Religious Society of Friends also known as Quakers. I knew nothing about them before...I would have just put them together with 'other' Plain Faith Christians of the New World. :) ;) :) But, after just a reasonably quick research of my own, online and 'live' at the library, I was/am somewhat perplexed...these folks made sense to me. Could it be that there are others who, like me, belong nowhere and everywhere? :)

The more I've read and researched the more convinced I've become... The testimonies, the fact that they include rather than exclude, the inner Light ('my' gut feeling/conscience-thingy ;) which I too have referred to as light) as etc and so on. (yeees, I know is not as simple or clean cut as I perhaps make it sound but...!) :) Its just, almost eerily, right. They're not a big group here in lil' ol' Sweden (compared to over the pond at Cora's ;)) and I don't know whether to go or brace myself a little... I'm trying to follow my gut but it's hard when I feel excited and apprehensive at the same time. :)

In Sweden there's a 'saying' which I tend to follow, it's "Skynda långsamt" which means hurry slowly :) but the question remains... How slowly should I hurry or have I hurried slowly enough...?

Love&Light,

God Is Not a Christian

As you might already know I'm a big fan of the Charter for Compassion and (unsurprisingly ;)) I also follow it on facebook. :) There I get links to lots of interesting articles and other stuff. :) Today when I came home from work I did my usual look-through of my news feed and as usual there was a link to an article, this time by Desmond Tutu - "God Is Not a Christian" . I usually feel somewhat silly re-posting re-posted posts ;) but, this I just had to pass forward!

He writes inspiringly "We must be ready to learn from one another, not claiming that we alone possess all truth and that somehow we have a corner on God.[...] We have enough that conspires to separate us; let us celebrate that which unites us, that which we share in common."
Read, read and re-post! ;)

Love&Light,