2013 in review

How many...
People did you kiss? 3.
Countries did you visit? 1. Spain - Gran Canaria and Maspalomas to be precise.
Places did you live? 1.
People did you date? A handful. :)
Books did you read? 2-3 books of my own choice...? Too few! Not much time for leisure reading whilst studying full time at Uni.
People were living with you? 2. Kiddos. :)
Animals were living with you? 0.

What was your...
Favorite movie? Not sure I've seen a movie this year...? 
Favorite concert? Rascal Flatts! :) 
Worst experience? Getting my heart broken, twice. By someone else at the beginning of the year and then by me late this year drawing a line and ending a special ...friendship. 
Hurts like hell.
Happiest moment? There's been plenty of them, not sure I can pick one. The Rascal Flatts concert was kinda cool even if I did go there alone... :]
Biggest change? Does the constant adjusting to me, myself and I count as a change...?
Biggest surprise? That if I'm brave I don't have to alone... 

Did you...
Break a bad habit? Nah. Unfortunately not. I might have started a few new ones though. ;)
Start a relationship? Possibly...
End a relationship? Yes.
Change jobs? No.
Change living situations? No.
Lose a loved one? Thankfully not.
Start a new hobby? No.
Have an addition to the family? My cousin had her forth child, a second beautiful boy. :)
Get married? No!
Get divorced? No.

So, what are the things you want to see happen in 2014? Are there things you want to change in your life? About yourself?

 I want to be braver, bolder, more scared and more excited ...more alive. I don't want to be safe and settled I want to feel and keep growing into me.

Happy New Year and Brightest Blessings to you and yours for 2014!

the Universe is unfolding as it should,

Alone - forever?

Do (some) people only get a certain amount of company...? And when its used up there is no more companionship for those people...?
And they will need to embrace solitude and find contentment in the company of their children, if they have any, and/or other family members...?

Impossible...!?

Lately I've been trying my best to settle, settle in me, settle in singledom, settle with Loneliness (dispite not (ever) being alone) ...trying to ground myself in me. Trying to listen inwards for answers for guidance, for direction... Doing my best to breathe.

All it has given me is the realisation that I. Don't. Want To. Loneliness sucks when it hasn't been chosen, loneliness and I will not be in good terms until that happen, until I choose it - and I don't or won't! Not now.

Also ...I've done a mindless, senseless, stupid, naïve and ridiculous thing. I've gotten myself tangled up in something so completely impossible. It kind of freaks me out ...about as much as I love it. I love how it fills me and lightens up my day.

But.
It.
Is.
Impossible.

Not even sure it's for real...

So what do I do?? Do I revel in the glory of it 'til I've ended up breaking my own heart? Or do I do the "sensible" thing and end "it" ...whatever this thing is...??
...not sure I can. I want it, this, him too much.

I do.

 



Beards

Shallow post begins

Besides loving words, books, reading and writing I love beards. Men, if you can grow one you should have one! ;) ...but puhleeeez keep it neat and tidy! I don't wanna see what you had for lunch thankyouverymuch. :P

What is it with beards then? It's hot - rough and soft and masculine and... yeah. :) Hot.

I do! ;D

End of shallow post.

Where to begin...

Where are my word, my passion for them? Is it my lack of writing that has snuffed the flame or is something else holding me back. I want to write, from the heart, be true, find answers to my ponderings as I write ...as it used to be...

Now I just feel ...lost. Bewildered in this ...lack of words.

Sure I can possibly babble on about mundane things but I don't want to. I want to be struck with inspiration, feel that urge to write, to share... I doesn't, by any means, mean that I would usually know what I'm going to say or share but it is a nudge telling me to just ...write. It'll be a moment i real life or passage read in book or some words or a conversation picked up online that just compels me to write...

And, it's not there.

.
.
.
.

I miss ...my Spirit...?

The Pain

Rip my heart out. 

Force me to breathe without you. 

The Pain. The Pain! 

I move on 'cause I have to, not 'cause I want to.

You miss me?? 

(I still miss you too!)

Have you finally realised my worth? 

Too late now - that bridge is burned.

It'll never be we again...

(27-03-2013)

These words came out of me when I finally realised it was over. No going back. I don't usually do that kind of writing - nonsens babbling is more "my thing" ;) ...so, I feel both hesitant and proud to put this "out there". But here it is and I feel so utterly blessed that it is, truly, behind me.

Breathing

You know... I truly believe that we carry the answers to our questions within. If we just listen hard enough we know which way we should go.
It isn't always easy or what we would have wanted to do yet it is still the path we should walk.

I'm trying to listen to my/the Spirit and it's telling me over and over and over and over again to breathe and settle where I am, in me, on my own... When this is done, that which I need will come to me.

I ache for a companion but I do think I want it "too much" ...it cannot be forced, at least not the kind of companionship I want. I can find a "bed warmer" but is that really what I want and need?? No, no it ain't...!

Sooo...reluctantly I've taken steps towards settling in this, here, now, on my own. I know I have what I need  right here and now - me and the kids, my family and friends.

He who deserves me will come in my path when the time is right.

B R E A T H E

Love&Light,

Not the Year of Blogging...!

No, it sure isn't...! My blogging has all together gone down the drain...! I can't even blaim it on me spending too much time on my other blogs 'cause I don't. :\

I have some time on my hands so I thought I'd pop in and write a few lines that might turn into more...

But! What to write about? My life feels so empty of Depth at the moment that I feel embarrassed to even have a blog which purpose is to share that which touches the core of me. Am I more than a shallow shell of a person...? :\ Bleh! This self-pity isn't a very interesting blog post - maybe that's what has kept  me away...? The fact that the last few months I've felt mostly sorry for myself...??

Well, what's been going on then ...superficially speaking of course...?
I was in love, he was too. There was possibilities for a future there - though in hindsight it would've been a repetition of my past. He ended it claiming distance was too big of an issue... He contacted me again, saying he missed me (and the kids) but not managing to man up and say he'd made a mistake. I want a Man not an insecure Boy who manages to guilt-trip me into feeling like I was the one who ended it...

I thought (hoped?) that we might be able to be friends eventually but now I don't think that's in our future. He's too broken and I'm too ...good? I'm too bad at not realising when I should back off rather than try and "fix" someone and his "issues".

I need a Man without issues...!? ^^  Not sure that there are any of them about. :\ ...so I'll settle for "less issues"? Should I "settle"?? Perhaps I'm better off on my own...?

All these things buzz around in my head and at points driving me insane but I'm glad I chose Breathe to my my One Word... Sometimes that feels like the only thing I have to deal with all of the above ...to just breathe...

Love&Light,

My One Word 2013

I've been struggling with my One Word this year. Last year it came so perfectly and I was hoping it'd be the same this time around but no... It kept itself hidden and recent events sort of brought it out into the light.

So... yeah... Last years Heart rather unexpectedly, yet quite obviously, brought Love and then it left me again on Sunday and all, ALL, I've been able to think about is breathing. My breath seems to have left together with Love and my current way of breathing is through deep deeeeep sighs.

My one word 2013 is

 Breathe

1) ...to repeatedly draw air into, and expel it from, the lungs in order to extract oxygen from it and excrete waste products.

2) ...to rest; to stop and catch one's breath.

3)  ...to be relaxed or calm. ...the wind breathes through the trees...

4) ...to live. I will not allow it, as long as I still breathe.

5) ...to whisper quietly.

I need to do all of the above.
I need to breathe, for me and for my kids. Breathing will (hopefully) bring less stress, less angst, less anger, more air, more patience, more calm, more peace.

Breathe, just breathe... and everything will be alright again.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.
- Sylvia Plath