Eid Mubarak!

May Allah bless you and your loved ones with happiness and grace your home with warmth and peace.
Love&Light,

...thank you...

Most of my posts are posted as soon as they are written but lately I've started writing on posts and saving them... 'til they feel 'right' to post... This is one of the ones I've been holding on to for a little while.



~ * ~ * ~ * ~ These words are for you - even if you might never actually read it... At the same time I realise that they are just as much, perhaps more, for me... Things are inevitably coming to an end for us and I need to hold on to gratitude rather than the bitterness that is lurking just round the corner...

I want and need to thank you. The good, the bad and the sad that we've been through together has given me gifts greater than I could have ever imagined. Our journey has been full of blessing, big and small, some obvious and others are still yet to be revealed. The most obvious Gifts we've been given are two healthy, bright, beautiful little people with all their endless possibilities for the future.
Thank you for A and E, for making me a Mother.

Our joint struggles has made things clear to me, what I believe to be Truly Important. With, what I hope to be, a looong Journey ahead of me I now know, or at least have a pretty good idea, of who I am and what I want and need of/in Life.
Thank you for giving me Clarity.

Your own personal struggles and all that I've seen, and still see, that you need - for you, have helped me see what I need for me.
Thank you for helping me Grow.

You say there must have been a Reason for us meeting when, and the way, we did. We were Supposed to Meet and I agree. We just disagree on the reason why... We both still have a long Journey ahead and I believe that Reasons may still reveal themselves to us. Just because we came together in magical circumstances doesn't mean that the magic remains forever... Some people come together for an important moment in time, for that moment, not to stay together forever...
There has been a lot of outward changes in our lives since the day we met, just short of 11 years ago... The biggest change, for me, hasn't the obvious things, it has been what has been going on inside me - all of the lesson's I've learnt, the growing I've done as a wife, mother and human being... All these things have given me Faith, faith that I've in some ways always had but not dared (?) to believe in, never really surrendered to... I now do believe and I am surrendering...
Thank you for giving me the tools to Believe.

With the rain pouring down outside and thunder rolling over us I finish this post with a sense of peace. Our journey together isn't all over, even if our marriage might be. As parents we will need to join forces and make decisions and be there for each other,
we are still a Family.
with love and gratitude,

I speak not of unknown things.

Outside my window... Damp. Misty... Autumnal... :/

Around the house... the usual clean messiness. ;p Our laundry pile is the size of Mount Kilimanjaro but it'll be dealt with promptly. :)

I'm wearing... grey jeans with a blue shortsleeved top, no make up, bangs pinned back out of my face.

I'm reading... random bits and pieces, I'm almost done with Wind In The Willows. I'm reading a lunch room book at work... Not been grabbed by anything lately sooo I'm in a bit of a book limbo at present.

I'm hearing... the TV. Erin's watching Playhouse Disney.

I'm learning... that time flies and that change takes effort.

I'm wondering/thinking… why effort is hard to come by when it comes to certain people. And! Since the effort required is so hard, perhaps change isn't what that certain someone truly wants...

I'm hoping... my time off next week will give me some well needed energy! :)

I'm grateful for... having a very sweet and sympathetic boss who sorted my time off with very short notice and without me feeling like I was a bother. :)

Low note... My meltdown must be the low note of the whole summer... :\

High note... My 9 days off starting Monday that I've got to look forward to! :)

Light...? Aaah... *sigh* it feels like my one word is taunting me. I'm nowhere near any of the 'goals' I set up at the beginning of the year and to be honest it feels like I'm heading further into this sludgy darkess before this year is over... And yeeees...I know it'll all turn out right in the end... Just, right now things sorta sucks...

Ambivalence

Autumn is my favourite time of year! It lacks nothing! Yet...this year I already feel it in the air, at the beginning of August?! ...and...I have this empty feeling in my gut of a summer lost... of memories not made...you know...? :/ I feel...Sad. Lacking. Lonely. Lost. Things that have very little to do with the seasons...! :\

This morning on my way to work I noticed that some leaves of a few bushes and trees were turning yellow (or perhaps were just dried out for the heat we've had?) and it almost brought tears to my eyes...!

Time. Time. Time! This constant...friend and foe of mine! I want to follow where it goes and I want to stay here, for just a moment longer... I want my autumn, but I don't want to let go of summer just yet...!

Meltdown.

:( :( :(
I feel like the crappiest mum ever...! Like all I can do right now is be angry, yell and bark at them - who's fault it isn't...! And rather than stopping it I just get more angry (for being angry) with him, and them... :( 

A few words from him could make things 'alright' again, take the tension out, calm the storm...but those words never come...

I don't wanna be angry, sad and alone anymore.