Why...?!

Why is Life such a trial? Like I'm going through this eternal Test...!

I'm worn, torn, all but broken and then I get a tiny moment to catch my breath and then I'm sucker-punched in the gut and the breaking down starts all over again...!

I keep taking it. I keep coping, managing, inching forward in this effort that is Life (right now, I keep lying to myself)...but I'm really, really, really, really, really, really getting fed up with always coping and managing...not knowing how to give up....! To whomever's in charge and obviously is getting a kick out of this - I'd give up if I knew how to!!!

Angry and Frustrated,

Happy 1st anniversary!

I want to wish Hay Quaker Blog a Very Happy 1st Anniversary with a big Thank You! :)
...for doing that thing with words that is soooo awesome...! :) The 'magic' that happens - the right words at the right time, the lifting and encouragement and hope that words can bring. Thank you, for posting things that has made me re-think and re-evaluate my own thoughts or confirm ideas that I've not yet settled into... :)

Thank you for a GREAT blog!

Love&Light,

Article from The Guardian.

I just read this on The Guardian on Facebook and I thought it interesting...and share-worthy. Your thoughts?


The Quakers: a religion Richard Dawkins could sign up to
Anne Karpf · 28/09/2011 · guardian.co.uk

In party conference season, I'm too long in the tooth to expect fresh thinking from political leaders or political gurus, but maybe we're looking in the wrong place.

Newspaper ads and posters over the next 10 days will feature attractive people involved in conflict-resolution, nuclear disarmament and campaigns against the arms trade. Though they look like activists from some radical pressure group, they are actually all members of a religion – the Quakers: a religion singularly unafraid to take up radical political positions.

Indeed, Quakerism is more like a political movement or even party – a kind of wish-the-Labour-party-were-like-this party. Quakers played a prominent role in the abolition of slavery; were instrumental in setting up Amnesty, Greenpeace and the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament; and for the past two years have campaigned for same-sex marriage.

They train people in non-violent direct action and have been particularly active in the Middle East; earlier this year Quakers voted to boycott goods from Israeli settlements on the West Bank. They also co-ordinate in the UK the Ecumenical Accompaniment Programme in Palestine and Israel, training volunteers to monitor checkpoints and to accompany Palestinians to school and work. At a time when most politicians and political parties seem to have one eye permanently trained on the Daily Mail, it is astounding to find such an unapologetic embrace of so many different progressive ideas in one body.

It's hard to imagine another religion having (or wanting) to promote itself through an activist advertising campaign – to run during Quaker Week, which begins on Saturday and ends on 9 October. One reason for doing so is to challenge the taint of the past that clings so tenaciously to Quakers: painting them as old-fashioned puritans wearing broad-brimmed hats who have something to do with porridge. Or – since they don't (supposedly) smoke, drink or swear – as a kind of Amish also good at selling chocolate.

While Quakerism would make for an unusual political party, it's also (pretty much for the same reasons) an odd religion – one without priests, hierarchy, creed, sacraments, catechism, scripture, liturgy or dogma. Though it's based on a personal relationship with God, many Quakers are reluctant to even utter the G-word without qualifying it. Christian by roots, nowadays they can accommodate pantheists, and even non-theists too.

Indeed a Quaker would sooner not believe in God than in pacificism. Why, this is a religion that surely even Richard Dawkins could sign up to. Especially since even "birthright" Quakers have to decide, at 16 or thereabouts, whether to become "Quakers by convincement" (Quakers are fond of their archaisms) – hence none of the indoctrination that so irks Dawkins. If Quakers had a church (they emphatically don't) then it would certainly be a broad one.

Yet probably the main reason that Quakerism, though essentially a small movement (around 23,000 members in the UK), remains such an interesting phenomenon is its holistic scope. It's rare to find a movement prepared to point out, for instance, that economic structures contribute to personal problems like self-harm and domestic abuse; or to critique consumerism without blaming the consumer; or to see ethics and economics inhabiting the same moral universe ("Quakernomics").

I'm not a Quaker, but I was taken to a Quaker meeting house by a family friend as a child, and what a religious innovation that turned out to be – especially the communal silence. In a noisy world the "gathered stillness" is powerful indeed – and is itself a form of collective worship, according to Tony Stoller, editor of The Friends Quarterly.

Today, sitting alongside cynicism about religion and politics, there is an almost palpable yearning for a space where ethics and politics, environmentalism and spirituality, come together. Quakerism, with its active social engagement, and its injunctions (or 'testimonies') to "try to live simply" and "step lightly on the earth", seems to provide one such example.

Church?

I had somewhat of a breakdown on Sunday and I 'ran away' from home for the day. Not really having a plan of action after my "escape" I went into town, whilst waiting to hear from a friend I was sure I could hang out with... ♥

I wandered about in our little town for a while, it's a place where all shops in the town center are closed on Sundays (I love that! :)) and inevitably I passed the old church and it dawned on me that it was in fact Sunday. :)

I have a hard time remembering the last time I went to a church service... Sure, there's been christenings, weddings and funerals but... when was I last at Mass? Can't remember...!

I love churches...! :) It's a bit of a strange thing for a secular 'Christian' like myself but there is something there, no matter if its a plain little one or a Grand Cathedral. :) I like to walk around and soak up the atmosphere, light a candle or two and just be...in the stillness.

So...I thought maybe I should give the church-going a go... :) Maybe it'd lift my broken spirit?

My mind was changed almost as soon as I'd sat myself down in the pew. It was all so loud...! The choir sang beautifully and songs of praise give me goosebumps but... I don't know... it's distracting if the point of the service is to be 'prayerful'. And... the whole 'begging for mercy' on my sinful soul just give me the creeps! :\

I do the best I can, with what I have, in that particular situation I'm in... I just...hmm... I don't mean to say I don't do anything wrong ('cause I do! a lot!) but, I can't believe that begging/praying for mercy and forgivness is what I'm supposed to do with my time...!

I believe that I'm already forgiven. Before I've even made the mistakes I'm about to do... Is that too bold of a thing to say...?? :/ Well, now I've said it! I'm forgiven. I know this in my heart - without having to beg for it, without the minister telling me that I am...

What I try to do is to be aware and learn from mistakes (sins? whatever is a sin anyways?!) made. But, even if I lived my whole life doing the same mistake over and over and over and over again I would still be forgiven, without any requests of mercy because it's enough that I tried to be a better person...or, perhaps I didn't know any better...and that's good enought too... You know what I mean?

Anyways... :) back to the service... All I could think about was how loud and distracting is all was, how not seeing the face of the other church-goers, just the back of their heads, was sad... I wanted to see their faces and I wanted them to see mine. There were a lot of people there but, where they visible? Was there a sense of community...? Maybe there was, but I as an 'outsider' did not see or feel this at all...

I left after 10 minutes...in the middle of another loud hymn... I will be back, just not a time of Service... I'll be back for that something, the peace and stillness where the possibility for being prayerful lies.

(church in the pictures is the actual church mentioned in this post.)

Love&Light,

Women Who Roar

I just read this article by Shelby Sledge , Women Who Roar - 10 ways to be a lioness and change the world , on beliefnet.com and I got goosebumps! :)

The king of the jungle always gets the attention. But shouldn't we spend some time looking at the power behind the throne, the queen of the jungle? Lisa Bevere, author of "Lioness Arising: Wake Up and Change Your World" believes we should. Women are like the lioness. They are powerful, strong and nurturing. Remember: You are stunning. You were born for this moment. Don't be afraid of your strength, questions, or insights. Awaken, rise up and dare to realize all you were created to be.

The Lioness is a good mother.
A lioness will not endanger another lioness's cub any more than she'd endanger her own. As women, we should be committed to putting distance between all Earth's children and whatever endangers them or threatens them. It is not enough to be concerned with our own children. Every child deserves an equal chance of survival. Every child needs to be protected, nurtured, trained and provided for.

A Lioness is a strong and powerful creature.
The Lioness is at ease with her strength, at rest with her power They are powerful hunters, but spend much of their time in rest and play. Women are the same. If we limit ourselves with our fear of our own might, we forfeit our strength and beauty. When we stop struggling in our own ability, our true strength is revealed. Embrace your strength! Do not mistake meekness for weakness! It is tempered strength and controlled might!

The Lioness sets aside former limitations.

Lionesses often fail when they first learn to hunt, but that doesn't mean they never hunt again. Hardship is a catalyst for improvement. You may fail at your first attempts to develop strength, but this is part of the learning process. Accept your failures as stepping stones to your strength and future successes.

The Lioness helps those who falter.
A lioness will bring meat to a lion that is afraid to venture into the wilderness himself. Women should also reach out to those who need help. Turning back or waiting for others may slow you down, but only at first. The deliberate extension of goodness, generosity and wisdom always wins out in the end.

The Lioness hunts with other lionesses.
Lionesses are the only big cats that hunt in concerted groups. They also groom each other after the hunt. Women must help each other keep our lives clean. We speak into one another's lives and invite others to give their input as well. Together, we laugh, cry, pray and confess fears, sins and weaknesses. Sometimes we disagree but that doesn't mean we disband. Just as lionesses hunt together, without competition and without breaking rank, no woman's portion or contribution is more significant than another's. Each woman has her own skill set that contributes to a valued whole.

The Lioness is stunning.
A lioness is a beautiful creature. They move with purpose, aware that the survival of their pride depends on their legacy of skill and strength. Women of every shape, size and color are as stunning, wild and fierce as the lioness. There is incredible beauty in the strength of a woman. You are capable of incredible things. Recognize this and revel in it!

The Lioness has prowess.
Lionesses are the height of hunting prowess. Their ability to provide for their pride is unmatched. Like the lioness, women too have prowess. There is exceptional ability, strength or valor waiting to be developed in every woman's life. You may not know or do everything, but what you do know, you chose to do well!

The Lioness hunts in the dark.
A lioness has the ability to see in the dark. She can take the smallest point of light and transform it into sight. Women too should take the smallest points of light and hope and transform them into sight. There are desperate people all over the world who are trapped in the darkness, waiting for someone to bring hope into their lives. There is power in the realization of a connection, that we are not alone in our struggles. So reach out to those around you with darkness in their lives and offer them hope, love and light!

The Lioness lives in the light.When a lioness isn't hunting, she has no reason to move about in the shadows. She conducts her life in the open, sun-filled expanses of Africa. She feels no shame and no need to hide. Like the lioness, women must live their lives in the open with a light-filled heart. You alone have the power to open your life to sunlight and live without fear or shame.

Lionesses roar.
When the cubs are threatened, lionesses will roar as a group in a fearless proclamation of protection. Women must also be a voice for the voiceless. We must learn to live what is within us out loud. All the intangibles of faith, hope and love become tangible within individuals, and are expressed in our unified response to the world's needs. Our roar will be the collective expression of hope and love to everyone around us and to all those who need us.

Adapted from "Lioness Arising: Wake Up and Change Your World" by Lisa Bevere. Lisa is the bestselling author of 15 books. She is also the co-host of the television program "The Messenger," which airs in more than 200 countries. For more information, please visit www.MessengerInternational.org and http://www.pearlalliance.org/.

It is OK to feel...

Fuck cancer.

My first Meeting for Worship

Quakers aren't a very big group in Sweden, roughly a 100ish members. Getting to meetings is somewhat of a 'project' (and I still fairly close to one). The group closest to me only meet for worship once a month (not weekly, which I've gathered to be the norm), first Sunday of the month,  and they also have a break over the summer. Yesterday was the first Meeting for Worship after the summer break and I had decided that this one would be my first. Wasn't going to miss it for anything and, I didn't! :)

On Thursday I got an email from a Friend I've been in contact with where he mentioned that the meeting was up and running again and that L.B. from my town usually makes the trip to the next city for worship and that a lift could probably be organised if I got in touch with him. I did that, mostly to get some company for the journey as I was a little bit nervous and I thought a chat before the meeting would ease my nerves a bit.

L.B. picked me up and we had a good chat on our way, where we also picked up Friend E. and then helped her set the meeting up. :)

We set up chairs in a circle and prepped the little 'fika' afterwards.

The Meeting began with E. reading from the Swedish Faith & Practice:
"Och i stillheten är det som Guds ljus verkar. Då kan man rannsaka sig själv och se var man kommit till korta och vad man bör göra annorlunda. I den stunden är man kanske till en början ensam med sin Gud. Men så småningom vaknar känslan av att runt omkring sitter människor, som på samma sätt bär fram sina bördor och medvetandet om gemenskapen gör att det individuella trycket häves och hela mötet liksom axlar bördorna gemensamt. Bönens språk blir inte längre jag ut vi."
- Elin Sigmers, 1949

Rough translation to English:
"And it is in the stillness that God's light is in effect. In it is an opportunity to examine yourself and see where you might have fallen short and what you sould do differently. In that moment, you are perhaps initially alone with you God. But eventually one realises that around you are people, who carry their own burdens in a similar way, and the awareness of community means that the individual pressure is revoked and the entire meeting shoulders the burdens together. The language of prayer is no longer I, but we."
- Elin Sigmers, 1949

I was somewhat apprehensive about sitting in silence for an hour... I mean when I have one hour left at work it feels like foreeeeverrrr before that hour has come to an end, and at work I've still got stuff to keep me busy. :) Here it was just me, in silence, for an hour...! But it went surprisingly fast... Most of the gathered seems to be deep in prayer/inward conversation with their eyes closed, so I closed mine too and the slow breaths of those around me helped to settle me in the silence. It felt more meditative than prayerful but it was good.

E. ended the hour with a mention of the BBC's radio 3 program 'Quakers Don't Sing' (I heard it myself and thought it was a good program, unfortunately it is no longer available to listened to) and about the creativity that is 'hidden' in the silence (which the program also brought forth) and the importance to taking time for silence and stillness, not just at Meeting.

Then the hour ended with us all joining, and pressing our neighbours, hands in the circle.

The following fika was good to, with interesting conversations of visits to India and Hungary and there were guests present too from down south and a Nepalese girl who'd gotten a full scolarship to a 3½ year program at Copenhagen University and she had been helped by funds from 'my' group to come to Europe. :) Very nice to hear and see. :)

14 people came to worship, of which 3 were Friends (they are usually 4). 2 of the 4 Friends are elderly and there was a little talk about the 'lack' of Friends, not only in 'our' group but generally in Sweden. There are plenty friends of Friends but people seeking membership is low and even if there was an great understanding that one can't be a Friend just to keep the organisation going there was still a wish for more to take the step and join...

I will be going back for sure.

Love&Light,

Do-over time

Tomorrow's do-over-day. :)

Love&Light,