2013 in review

How many...
People did you kiss? 3.
Countries did you visit? 1. Spain - Gran Canaria and Maspalomas to be precise.
Places did you live? 1.
People did you date? A handful. :)
Books did you read? 2-3 books of my own choice...? Too few! Not much time for leisure reading whilst studying full time at Uni.
People were living with you? 2. Kiddos. :)
Animals were living with you? 0.

What was your...
Favorite movie? Not sure I've seen a movie this year...? 
Favorite concert? Rascal Flatts! :) 
Worst experience? Getting my heart broken, twice. By someone else at the beginning of the year and then by me late this year drawing a line and ending a special ...friendship. 
Hurts like hell.
Happiest moment? There's been plenty of them, not sure I can pick one. The Rascal Flatts concert was kinda cool even if I did go there alone... :]
Biggest change? Does the constant adjusting to me, myself and I count as a change...?
Biggest surprise? That if I'm brave I don't have to alone... 

Did you...
Break a bad habit? Nah. Unfortunately not. I might have started a few new ones though. ;)
Start a relationship? Possibly...
End a relationship? Yes.
Change jobs? No.
Change living situations? No.
Lose a loved one? Thankfully not.
Start a new hobby? No.
Have an addition to the family? My cousin had her forth child, a second beautiful boy. :)
Get married? No!
Get divorced? No.

So, what are the things you want to see happen in 2014? Are there things you want to change in your life? About yourself?

 I want to be braver, bolder, more scared and more excited ...more alive. I don't want to be safe and settled I want to feel and keep growing into me.

Happy New Year and Brightest Blessings to you and yours for 2014!

the Universe is unfolding as it should,

Alone - forever?

Do (some) people only get a certain amount of company...? And when its used up there is no more companionship for those people...?
And they will need to embrace solitude and find contentment in the company of their children, if they have any, and/or other family members...?

Impossible...!?

Lately I've been trying my best to settle, settle in me, settle in singledom, settle with Loneliness (dispite not (ever) being alone) ...trying to ground myself in me. Trying to listen inwards for answers for guidance, for direction... Doing my best to breathe.

All it has given me is the realisation that I. Don't. Want To. Loneliness sucks when it hasn't been chosen, loneliness and I will not be in good terms until that happen, until I choose it - and I don't or won't! Not now.

Also ...I've done a mindless, senseless, stupid, naïve and ridiculous thing. I've gotten myself tangled up in something so completely impossible. It kind of freaks me out ...about as much as I love it. I love how it fills me and lightens up my day.

But.
It.
Is.
Impossible.

Not even sure it's for real...

So what do I do?? Do I revel in the glory of it 'til I've ended up breaking my own heart? Or do I do the "sensible" thing and end "it" ...whatever this thing is...??
...not sure I can. I want it, this, him too much.

I do.

 



Beards

Shallow post begins

Besides loving words, books, reading and writing I love beards. Men, if you can grow one you should have one! ;) ...but puhleeeez keep it neat and tidy! I don't wanna see what you had for lunch thankyouverymuch. :P

What is it with beards then? It's hot - rough and soft and masculine and... yeah. :) Hot.

I do! ;D

End of shallow post.

Where to begin...

Where are my word, my passion for them? Is it my lack of writing that has snuffed the flame or is something else holding me back. I want to write, from the heart, be true, find answers to my ponderings as I write ...as it used to be...

Now I just feel ...lost. Bewildered in this ...lack of words.

Sure I can possibly babble on about mundane things but I don't want to. I want to be struck with inspiration, feel that urge to write, to share... I doesn't, by any means, mean that I would usually know what I'm going to say or share but it is a nudge telling me to just ...write. It'll be a moment i real life or passage read in book or some words or a conversation picked up online that just compels me to write...

And, it's not there.

.
.
.
.

I miss ...my Spirit...?

The Pain

Rip my heart out. 

Force me to breathe without you. 

The Pain. The Pain! 

I move on 'cause I have to, not 'cause I want to.

You miss me?? 

(I still miss you too!)

Have you finally realised my worth? 

Too late now - that bridge is burned.

It'll never be we again...

(27-03-2013)

These words came out of me when I finally realised it was over. No going back. I don't usually do that kind of writing - nonsens babbling is more "my thing" ;) ...so, I feel both hesitant and proud to put this "out there". But here it is and I feel so utterly blessed that it is, truly, behind me.

Breathing

You know... I truly believe that we carry the answers to our questions within. If we just listen hard enough we know which way we should go.
It isn't always easy or what we would have wanted to do yet it is still the path we should walk.

I'm trying to listen to my/the Spirit and it's telling me over and over and over and over again to breathe and settle where I am, in me, on my own... When this is done, that which I need will come to me.

I ache for a companion but I do think I want it "too much" ...it cannot be forced, at least not the kind of companionship I want. I can find a "bed warmer" but is that really what I want and need?? No, no it ain't...!

Sooo...reluctantly I've taken steps towards settling in this, here, now, on my own. I know I have what I need  right here and now - me and the kids, my family and friends.

He who deserves me will come in my path when the time is right.

B R E A T H E

Love&Light,

Not the Year of Blogging...!

No, it sure isn't...! My blogging has all together gone down the drain...! I can't even blaim it on me spending too much time on my other blogs 'cause I don't. :\

I have some time on my hands so I thought I'd pop in and write a few lines that might turn into more...

But! What to write about? My life feels so empty of Depth at the moment that I feel embarrassed to even have a blog which purpose is to share that which touches the core of me. Am I more than a shallow shell of a person...? :\ Bleh! This self-pity isn't a very interesting blog post - maybe that's what has kept  me away...? The fact that the last few months I've felt mostly sorry for myself...??

Well, what's been going on then ...superficially speaking of course...?
I was in love, he was too. There was possibilities for a future there - though in hindsight it would've been a repetition of my past. He ended it claiming distance was too big of an issue... He contacted me again, saying he missed me (and the kids) but not managing to man up and say he'd made a mistake. I want a Man not an insecure Boy who manages to guilt-trip me into feeling like I was the one who ended it...

I thought (hoped?) that we might be able to be friends eventually but now I don't think that's in our future. He's too broken and I'm too ...good? I'm too bad at not realising when I should back off rather than try and "fix" someone and his "issues".

I need a Man without issues...!? ^^  Not sure that there are any of them about. :\ ...so I'll settle for "less issues"? Should I "settle"?? Perhaps I'm better off on my own...?

All these things buzz around in my head and at points driving me insane but I'm glad I chose Breathe to my my One Word... Sometimes that feels like the only thing I have to deal with all of the above ...to just breathe...

Love&Light,

My One Word 2013

I've been struggling with my One Word this year. Last year it came so perfectly and I was hoping it'd be the same this time around but no... It kept itself hidden and recent events sort of brought it out into the light.

So... yeah... Last years Heart rather unexpectedly, yet quite obviously, brought Love and then it left me again on Sunday and all, ALL, I've been able to think about is breathing. My breath seems to have left together with Love and my current way of breathing is through deep deeeeep sighs.

My one word 2013 is

 Breathe

1) ...to repeatedly draw air into, and expel it from, the lungs in order to extract oxygen from it and excrete waste products.

2) ...to rest; to stop and catch one's breath.

3)  ...to be relaxed or calm. ...the wind breathes through the trees...

4) ...to live. I will not allow it, as long as I still breathe.

5) ...to whisper quietly.

I need to do all of the above.
I need to breathe, for me and for my kids. Breathing will (hopefully) bring less stress, less angst, less anger, more air, more patience, more calm, more peace.

Breathe, just breathe... and everything will be alright again.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.
- Sylvia Plath

2012 in review

How many...
People did you kiss? Enough. ;)
Countries did you visit? No traveling abroad at all this year.
Places did you live? 2. We sold Scabby House in the spring and me and the kids moved to the BlueHouse in May.
People did you date? A handful. :)
Books did you read? Too few...! 2-3 books of my own choise? Not much time for leisure reading whilst studying full time at Uni.
People were living with you? 2, my little ones. :)
Animals were living with you? No pets ...well, after May at least. Before that two cats.

What was your...
Favorite movie? Breaking Dawn part 2. Although I did really enjoy the latest Tinkerbell movie too. :)
Favorite concert? Not been to any concerts in 2012 but looking forward to one in 2013.
Worst experience? Not sure I've had anything worth complaining about happen to me this year...? I had a date that work out less than well (I had to call the police as he wouldn't stop pestering me afterwards) ...but that's about it for "worst experiences".
Happiest moment? Getting to "assist" when my good friend J gave birth to my god-daughter. After giving birth myself that'd be one of the most awesome experienses of my life! :)
Biggest change? Theres been plenty of changes in 2012. Moving to a place of my own for the first time since leaving my mothers house. To be independent is a powerful thing. The divorce was final in June, pretty big change too. And! I got my new surname...! :) :) :)
Biggest surprise? That dating is not only scary but fun! ...and falling in love ...hadn't expected that, and I'm still trying my best to cope with the unfamiliarity of it.

Did you...
Break a bad habit? Nah. Unfortunately not.
Start a relationship? Yeah...
End a relationship? Yes.
Change jobs? No.
Change living situations? Yes.
Lose a loved one? Thankfully not.
Start a new hobby? No.
Have an addition to the family? Not the immidiate family but the addition of M to my closest circle of friends is as good as an addition to it. :)
Get married? No.
Get divorced? Yes.

So, what are the things you want to see happen in 2013? Are there things you want to change in your life? About yourself? Comment!

For 2013 I hope things will keep falling into place as they have in 2012. Not looking/hoping for any major changes just for things to keep moving forward.

Happy New Year and Best wishes to you and yours for 2013!

the universe is unfolding as it should.

‎22.13

Quaker faith & practice.

‎22.13

No doubt from the earliest days of Christianity there have been men and women for whom the sexual relationship was illumined and deepened by the Christian message of love, for whom it expressed a true equality, an equal-sided valuation and respect, for whom coitus was an expression of tenderness and unity, not merely the gratification of animal urges. But it is one of the great tragedies of history that not until recent times has this implication of Christianity found public expression...

Sexual activity is essentially neither good nor evil; it is a normal biological activity which, like most other human activities, can be indulged in destructively or creatively. Further, if we take impulses and experiences that are potentially wholesome and in a large measure unavoidable and characterise these as sinful, we create a great volume of unnecessary guilt and an explosive tension within the personality. When, as so often happens, the impulse breaks through the restriction, it does so with a ruthlessness and destructive energy that might not otherwise have been there. A distorted Christianity must bear some of the blame for the sexual disorders of society.

Towards a Quaker view of sex, 1963

Heart & Faith

Can I choose who gets my heart? Or am I just kidding myself when I keep trying to convince myself that I decide...? I think I might be...

My heart has chosen and all I can do (?) is to try to have faith. Faith in the choice it has made, Faith in its new caretaker and Faith in its capacity to mend if (when?) broken.

It's scary...having faith that is... I was pretty sure I'd "lost" it (the capability of having enough faith in someone to let them tend to my heart) but over and over again I'm prompted into daring to believe, into having faith so...I'll do my best.

I'll try to have heart. :)

love,

The Egg by Andy Weir

My dearest darling soul sis Cora posted this on her blog at the beginning of the month at it just blew me away! Touched my heart. I loooove it. 

Go read and get the wind knocked out of you too! :)

The Egg by Andy Weir

Love& Light,

New name!

I’ve gotten my new surname! :)

My fancy official letter from The Swedish Patent and Registration Office arrived last Wednesday. :)

I’d been thinking, just the day before, about the fact that the notification period had come and gone…when was it going to be official?? And, now it is!

I’m sooo smitten with my new name…! ;) I love writing it (been practising my new signature all summer) and every time I log on to facebook and see it there I get this warm fussy feeling inside and cannot but smiiile. Saying it out loud is, of course, fab too! Love it!

I am the same E as before the name change but yet, somehow I feel brand new... :)

Love&Light,

Daring to see and feel...!

Finally, finally, finally I've gotten myself a laptop! It's on loan to me from my brother-in-law so that I can specify what I like/don't like about his one so that he'll be able to sort me out with just the right one for me! :) :) :)

...at the mo though I'm on my sisters computer... ;) Me and kiddies are house-sitting her home whilst she and her family are away. It's a winwin situation as it give me time to hang out with my Gothenburg friends I don't get to see too often. :)

Oh my word...how I have missed this! Having the time to blog about a topic that has been brewing within and not feeling stressed about having the time it'll take me to get it written. True bliss! :)

I wanna return to this me-letting-my-hear-lead-the-way-topic I've been touching but not really having time to write about.

Quite quickly after the long-awaited move to BlueHouse I was somewhat concerned about the skipping of my heart... It was nice to feel it but its long inactivity made me uncomfortable and sometimes the skipping, or unexpected rush, would cause me actual, physical, pain... Please be gentle was my quiet prayer. Go slow...! Take your time. Let me rest. Yet it headed none of my pleas and kept on its previous behaviour.

I was like a teenager again with rushing emotions, I was high and low and blushing and embarrased and angry...! I whinged and moaned about it to my awesome friends and at one point, texting with my most brilliant "sister" A. she sent me a message saying

"Yes hun, it's scary to be alive. But it's time now..."

and I was floored by how right she was...! I realised that the discomfort a skipping (alive!) heart gave me was in fact managable beacause of the joy and rush that a beating heart brings...!

I realised also that I am not a teenager again (which I for a moment feared I was turning into!)! I am in fact very grown up, in control of my Life, of my choices and I choose to Feel and I allow myself to See and believe myself worthy of good things and good things have been coming my way. :)

It's awesome... I feel...aligned (things make sense) like I've not felt before... Like my head and heart are catching up on what my Soul has been screaming for a long time...and I believe. It's so cool! :D

 In the Light,

Reward of goodbye

From Paulo Coelho's facebook page.
 

Heart

My one word for 2012 - Heart is already, only halfway through the year, showing me how right it was to choose me. :)

2012 has truly been my year! A year to settle in Me and my Freedom and I'm SO excited to see where the rest of the year takes me! :) I've been braver, bolder, kinder and more loving (to myself) than I probably have ever been...! I've been letting my heart lead the way (more) and letting myself feel more and I feel so much more alive than I have in aaages. :) :) :) I'm not scared.

I'm in a good place.

Love&Light,
 

Neale Donald Walsch

I've stolen a moment on my muns computer to do a quick blogpost! ;) Yay! :D

I follow Neale Donald Walsch on twitter (@_NealeDWalsch) and OMG he serves up some gems of wisdom! :) I had heard of his Conversations with God series but not been overly keen on reading them...didn't really seem to be my "thing" - my mind has changed. :)

♥


Here's som gems from his twitter feed:

"Spirituality is about the values, ethics, and deepest part of the individual, not the theological dogma of the clump" "

The you that you are is God, in Particular Form.

You are an Aspect of Divinity.

And so is everyone and everything else."

"Consider the possibility that what you call 'God' might also be called, simply, 'life.'"

"Luck, in truth, does not exist, if you define 'luck' as 'unexpected good' emerging 'out of thin air' for no apparent reason."

"In every moment God expresses Himself in, as, and through you. You are not without guidance, nor will you ever be."

- Neale Donald Walsch

Getting settled.

Hi y'all! :)
I've got a BIG exam tomorrow and I reallyreally should be studying for it but...since I haven't yet opened the books for it I'm going to use tomorrow as a trial run and aim to pass on the next opportunity. Opening the litterature now would just cause panic so I won't - I'll blog a bit instead. :D

I miss this - blogging! My right hand is a very tired hand dealing with most of my free time surfing on the android phone so I'm thinking it's time to get myself a cute little laptop? :) :) :)

What I'm here to say is that we've all settled well in BlueHouse. I'm happy, kids are too. Ex has gotten himself a place of his own too (which we feared he might not in time). Tomorrow we'll finally be free of ScabbyHouse as new owners will get the keys. :) I've been ready for this for sooo long...

Divorce has also gone through its final stages and I'm no longer a married woman and I've also sent in the application for my new surname. :)

Most things are good now. :) Not all, by any means, but when my biggest source of irritation right now is that I've yet to figure out how to fill the new dishwasher the Best way I really don't feel I've got too much to complain about...

I am sending out a little prayer for my heart to please stop skipping like it does from time to time... it's completely random yet equally painful everytime. Not ready for that just yet...

Welcome Home!

Went by the apartment after this mornings exam (which went well, I think) and I brought with my a few house-warming gifts... :)

This one says Welcome H O M E on it and it made me
s m i l e...! :) :) :) So it just had to come with me Home. :)

http://instagr.am/p/KKVSYllLcf/

I also got myself a potted calla lily and a sweet "sign" with a friendship quote on it to remind me how blessed I am. ♥

What would be typical house warming gifts where you're from??