Breathing

You know... I truly believe that we carry the answers to our questions within. If we just listen hard enough we know which way we should go.
It isn't always easy or what we would have wanted to do yet it is still the path we should walk.

I'm trying to listen to my/the Spirit and it's telling me over and over and over and over again to breathe and settle where I am, in me, on my own... When this is done, that which I need will come to me.

I ache for a companion but I do think I want it "too much" ...it cannot be forced, at least not the kind of companionship I want. I can find a "bed warmer" but is that really what I want and need?? No, no it ain't...!

Sooo...reluctantly I've taken steps towards settling in this, here, now, on my own. I know I have what I need  right here and now - me and the kids, my family and friends.

He who deserves me will come in my path when the time is right.

B R E A T H E

Love&Light,

Not the Year of Blogging...!

No, it sure isn't...! My blogging has all together gone down the drain...! I can't even blaim it on me spending too much time on my other blogs 'cause I don't. :\

I have some time on my hands so I thought I'd pop in and write a few lines that might turn into more...

But! What to write about? My life feels so empty of Depth at the moment that I feel embarrassed to even have a blog which purpose is to share that which touches the core of me. Am I more than a shallow shell of a person...? :\ Bleh! This self-pity isn't a very interesting blog post - maybe that's what has kept  me away...? The fact that the last few months I've felt mostly sorry for myself...??

Well, what's been going on then ...superficially speaking of course...?
I was in love, he was too. There was possibilities for a future there - though in hindsight it would've been a repetition of my past. He ended it claiming distance was too big of an issue... He contacted me again, saying he missed me (and the kids) but not managing to man up and say he'd made a mistake. I want a Man not an insecure Boy who manages to guilt-trip me into feeling like I was the one who ended it...

I thought (hoped?) that we might be able to be friends eventually but now I don't think that's in our future. He's too broken and I'm too ...good? I'm too bad at not realising when I should back off rather than try and "fix" someone and his "issues".

I need a Man without issues...!? ^^  Not sure that there are any of them about. :\ ...so I'll settle for "less issues"? Should I "settle"?? Perhaps I'm better off on my own...?

All these things buzz around in my head and at points driving me insane but I'm glad I chose Breathe to my my One Word... Sometimes that feels like the only thing I have to deal with all of the above ...to just breathe...

Love&Light,

My One Word 2013

I've been struggling with my One Word this year. Last year it came so perfectly and I was hoping it'd be the same this time around but no... It kept itself hidden and recent events sort of brought it out into the light.

So... yeah... Last years Heart rather unexpectedly, yet quite obviously, brought Love and then it left me again on Sunday and all, ALL, I've been able to think about is breathing. My breath seems to have left together with Love and my current way of breathing is through deep deeeeep sighs.

My one word 2013 is

 Breathe

1) ...to repeatedly draw air into, and expel it from, the lungs in order to extract oxygen from it and excrete waste products.

2) ...to rest; to stop and catch one's breath.

3)  ...to be relaxed or calm. ...the wind breathes through the trees...

4) ...to live. I will not allow it, as long as I still breathe.

5) ...to whisper quietly.

I need to do all of the above.
I need to breathe, for me and for my kids. Breathing will (hopefully) bring less stress, less angst, less anger, more air, more patience, more calm, more peace.

Breathe, just breathe... and everything will be alright again.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.
- Sylvia Plath

2012 in review

How many...
People did you kiss? Enough. ;)
Countries did you visit? No traveling abroad at all this year.
Places did you live? 2. We sold Scabby House in the spring and me and the kids moved to the BlueHouse in May.
People did you date? A handful. :)
Books did you read? Too few...! 2-3 books of my own choise? Not much time for leisure reading whilst studying full time at Uni.
People were living with you? 2, my little ones. :)
Animals were living with you? No pets ...well, after May at least. Before that two cats.

What was your...
Favorite movie? Breaking Dawn part 2. Although I did really enjoy the latest Tinkerbell movie too. :)
Favorite concert? Not been to any concerts in 2012 but looking forward to one in 2013.
Worst experience? Not sure I've had anything worth complaining about happen to me this year...? I had a date that work out less than well (I had to call the police as he wouldn't stop pestering me afterwards) ...but that's about it for "worst experiences".
Happiest moment? Getting to "assist" when my good friend J gave birth to my god-daughter. After giving birth myself that'd be one of the most awesome experienses of my life! :)
Biggest change? Theres been plenty of changes in 2012. Moving to a place of my own for the first time since leaving my mothers house. To be independent is a powerful thing. The divorce was final in June, pretty big change too. And! I got my new surname...! :) :) :)
Biggest surprise? That dating is not only scary but fun! ...and falling in love ...hadn't expected that, and I'm still trying my best to cope with the unfamiliarity of it.

Did you...
Break a bad habit? Nah. Unfortunately not.
Start a relationship? Yeah...
End a relationship? Yes.
Change jobs? No.
Change living situations? Yes.
Lose a loved one? Thankfully not.
Start a new hobby? No.
Have an addition to the family? Not the immidiate family but the addition of M to my closest circle of friends is as good as an addition to it. :)
Get married? No.
Get divorced? Yes.

So, what are the things you want to see happen in 2013? Are there things you want to change in your life? About yourself? Comment!

For 2013 I hope things will keep falling into place as they have in 2012. Not looking/hoping for any major changes just for things to keep moving forward.

Happy New Year and Best wishes to you and yours for 2013!

the universe is unfolding as it should.

‎22.13

Quaker faith & practice.

‎22.13

No doubt from the earliest days of Christianity there have been men and women for whom the sexual relationship was illumined and deepened by the Christian message of love, for whom it expressed a true equality, an equal-sided valuation and respect, for whom coitus was an expression of tenderness and unity, not merely the gratification of animal urges. But it is one of the great tragedies of history that not until recent times has this implication of Christianity found public expression...

Sexual activity is essentially neither good nor evil; it is a normal biological activity which, like most other human activities, can be indulged in destructively or creatively. Further, if we take impulses and experiences that are potentially wholesome and in a large measure unavoidable and characterise these as sinful, we create a great volume of unnecessary guilt and an explosive tension within the personality. When, as so often happens, the impulse breaks through the restriction, it does so with a ruthlessness and destructive energy that might not otherwise have been there. A distorted Christianity must bear some of the blame for the sexual disorders of society.

Towards a Quaker view of sex, 1963